


Misery Never Goes Out Of Style: Part 1

by helvonasche



Series: Misery [1]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Biting, Dummies being dummies..., Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2018-12-04 11:52:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 41,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11554644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helvonasche/pseuds/helvonasche
Summary: Just another wish fulfillment fic. Enjoy. <3





	1. Chapter 1

“Are you fucking serious?” you asked, before slapping a hand over your mouth, “I’m so sorry, sir.”

He laughed and waved his hand, “An understandable reaction, not everyday someone hands you an assignment like this.” He sat back in his chair and watched your face before he continued, “As you can expect, you’ll be working closely with them, mostly GD, and that’s why I chose you, you.”

“I’m sorry?” you asked, only half listening as you tried to process the life altering information.

Leaning forward, your boss said sincerely, “You will learn a lot from him, don’t waste this and don’t let him walk all over you. Remember, Y/N, you earned this.”

* * *

Walking home that night was an out of body experience. You weren’t sure if you were going to be able to sleep, because in less than ten hours you’d be introduced to not only your favorite band, but your personal hero. Kwon Jiyong was the only person you’d ever dreamed of working with, and after years of working 14-hour days, getting coffee, making copies, and thoroughly proving yourself, it was finally happening.

You kept having weird moments where some strange, but obvious, realization would hit you. I get to hear their album before anyone else.  _I get to watch them create and record it. I get to be around them._  Then, your mind turned against you as you got into the shower.  _I have to talk to them. I be around them for weeks, if not months, until the album was finished. And, oh dear God, what if I have to go on tour._

Drying off and getting ready for bed, you were half terrified and half elated. There was no inbetween. Laying down and putting on your BigBang playlist, you let your mind wander freely. For good or bad, this was happening and there was no stopping it, so fretting would only make you tired. Overthinking never did you any good, and as you drifted off to sleep an hour earlier than normal, you felt almost optimistic about what the morning would bring.

* * *

Surprisingly, you got up on time and arrived at work early. Getting your notebook and laptop shoved into your bag and heading to the first meeting, grabbing a water bottle and taking a seat in the corner. You were one of four junior producers that would be working with BigBang, but you didn’t want to come off as too eager. Being professional was important.

After fifteen minutes of idle chatter, they arrived, walking into the room and taking their seats. More time passed as the idols were handed coffee and greeted by the executives in the room. Once the meeting started, you were busy taking notes and actively not staring at BigBang. They weren’t the first idols you had worked with, but they were your favorite, specifically Jiyong. His on stage persona coupled with how he was off stage intrigued you. You had a hard time reconciling how he could be so charismatic and powerful while performing, but shy and reserved in person. You assumed that one had to be an act or he really was a genius who could let go of his inhibitions when needed.

Toward the thirty minute mark, the junior producers were introduced, something you had been expecting but still made your stomach lurch. The others were men around your age, and each said the same thing with slight variations along the lines of, “I look forward to working with you.”

You were last, as expected, and when your boss said your name, you stood, “I appreciate the opportunity and I hope I don’t disappoint.”

Sitting back down, you ignored the looks you were getting. You had planned what you were going to say and knew that it would be misinterpreted. It was why you dressed the way you did, playing down your looks and wearing nice but decidedly unflattering clothing. There were rumors that you were gay, but that didn’t matter. As long as you were taken seriously, people could say whatever they wanted.

The other women you worked with, of which there weren’t many, dressed like they were runway ready, flirted, and some were unscrupulous when it came to getting ahead. You were willing to do anything, except that. Recognition for your talent and skill was all that mattered to you and you weren’t going to use your looks to get what you wanted, it would sour your victory. You knew you were more than a pretty face, and you’d prove it if it killed you.

Back to taking notes, you were shocked when your name came up again. They had been discussing the schedule and you glanced over your laptop to see Jiyong staring at you expectantly. Lowering the screen so you weren’t completely hidden, you asked, “I’m sorry?”

“You have time blocked out on your schedule,” your boss explained, “Can you change it?”

Quickly opening your laptop again, you asked, “What dates?”

“The rest of the month at least,” he said, “As I explained yesterday, you are working solely with GD and he wants to start immediately.”

_Son of a fuck_ , you thought as you remembered the conversation but not that part. Nodding and trying to mask your surprise, you checked your schedule and canceled everything. There was no life outside of work and all your work obligations that you were dropping were already assigned to other people. Sending a quick email to the handful of people that would be covering your other responsibilities to let them know that it would be starting immediately, you looked up, “All cleared.”

“Good,” Jiyong said, turning back to your boss and the meeting went on.

* * *

By the end of the week, you were exhausted. It was Saturday night and everyone was just getting ready to leave, well, everyone except Jiyong. He was a machine, at least that’s what you thought. He consistently worked later than everyone and would get in before them, meaning you had to do the same.

Walking back to the studio, water and snacks in hand, you paused in the doorway. It was just him. The past four days, at least one other person had still been working but they had all left while you had gone to get Jiyong something to eat. Shaking off the sudden nervous energy, you took your seat next to him and made a point to be as quiet and unobtrusive as possible.

He wasn’t difficult to work with, not the diva he was rumored to be, but he was temperamental when he was in the middle of something. You respected this, because you were the same way. Watching him create was inspiring and you were more than content to watch him scribble words while he played with the sound board.

Staring at his hands, you were taken out of your thoughts when he asked, “Don’t you have plans, Y/N?”

“No,” you replied, then decided to remind him, “I cleared my schedule.”

He sat back, running a hand through his hair, “I’ve seen you before.” Eyebrows threatening to disappear into your hairline, you tried to think of something to say, but he continued, “Do you do anything besides work?”

Without thinking, you shook her head, “No, do you?”

He smiled. you hadn’t seen him smile since the meeting at the beginning of the week, and it was like getting slapped with sunshine. Jiyong leaned forward, resting his head in his hands and you watched his eyes drift over your body. You didn’t hear what he had to say as the alarm bells went off in your mind. For years you had been on high alert for this, and tried to immediately squashed any hope that you were  easy or even an option as soon as it came up, but this was different. You had to be careful or you could get fired, your reputation and career were on the line.

“I don’t,” he said, his eyes lingering on your neck.

Something in the studio had changed, he didn’t have the pen in his hand, he wasn’t looking at the laptop or fiddling with the soundboard, and you needed to get him back on track, when it hit you: what would he even want with someone like you.

As the thought hit you, his mood seemed to change, as he quickly closed the laptop. Getting up and packing his stuff up, he watched you out of the corner of his eye and saw you doing the same. He stood, shouldering his bag and walked toward the door, holding it open for you. You didn’t say anything as you walked toward the elevator together and waited for the doors to open. Once you stepped in, he asked, “Monday, 5am?”

Keeping your eyes forward, you replied, “5am, Monday.”

The doors opened and you headed toward the main entrance as he turned to the parking garage. He couldn’t say goodbye, something stopped him every night from saying goodbye to you. He watched you walk out the main doors and out of sight before he got into the car that was waiting for him. Sighing deeply as the weight of the day and his thoughts made it nearly impossible to think about anything else as he pulled his phone out.

It had been almost two months since he’d ended things with his ex, but she was ever-present in his mind. Unavoidable and undeniable… until this week. He’d kicked her out, knew from the beginning that she was using him, but Jiyong still couldn’t get her out of his head. The only distraction he’d found aside from work was you, but you were distant to an extreme.

Getting back to his apartment, he couldn’t stop thinking about you as he showered and got ready for bed. He let his mind wander, not worried if he went too far or things got weird in his fantasy. For the next 30 hours, he could have these thoughts and be satisfied. He refused to figure out a way to get to you, the version of you that he saw was all he needed, for now.  

* * *

Sunday barely happened. you had slept in and gone to bed early, only getting laundry and dishes done. Waking up and getting ready for Monday, you hoped that whatever had happened Saturday night wouldn’t repeat itself, or get worse. Sleeping your way to the top was one thing, but climbing up his coattails to achieve your goals was so much worse.

You were angry, you wanted to learn from him, and you hoped that it was a misunderstanding from being tired and overworked. It had to be. What would he want with someone like you, a regular person who worked too hard and only thought about music and their career. You’d never been in a relationship, avoided them at all costs, because getting tied down in any capacity was like a death sentence. Being a virgin at your age would be embarrassing, but failure was worse, so those personal milestones were ignored.

But a part of you entertained the idea that Jiyong might be interested, even if it was ridiculous. You couldn’t deny that he was attractive, but you couldn’t let yourself get distracted, especially by someone like him. The rumors about him couldn’t all be true, but they had a common thread: Kwon Jiyong was a playboy. That wasn’t a problem, he could get as much as he wanted, it was how he’d react to finding out that you were chaste, completely inexperienced and without a clue. You knew the basics, Tab A went into Slot B, but there was more to it than that, you assumed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monday was a test, it had to be. Jiyong went about his business as usual, his mind drifting to inappropriate thoughts but he was still able to arrive at work on time. He waited for Y/N to show up, as his thoughts wandered to what you would look like on your hands and knees under the desk, then his text alert went off.

Monday was a test, it had to be. Jiyong went about his business as usual, his mind drifting to inappropriate thoughts but he was still able to arrive at work on time. He waited for Y/N to show up, as his thoughts wandered to what you would look like on your hands and knees under the desk, then his text alert went off.

Suddenly everything seemed bleak. Jiyong didn’t have a fully formed idea about you yet, but he knew he wanted you there. Trying to not sound like a spoiled brat, he replied.

As he waited for a reply, he worried. What if you had noticed him looking at you last week? That would be a solid reason to not want to deal with him, but he had tried so hard to keep it to a minimum, to keep it from being obvious. From what your boss had said, you were eager to work with him, but maybe he had behaved inappropriately and scared you off…

Jiyong beamed at his phone. The idea of you being all his gave him some truly deviant thoughts, but he knew that it wasn’t like that. He’d never use the obvious power he had over you to force you into anything, as tempting as it was. He quickly texted back and got to work without you.

* * *

As Youngbae packed up, the last one to leave, Jiyong had made up his mind. The day hadn’t been as awful as it could have been, but he missed your rapt attention. There was something about being watched that closely, like you were studying him, that was appealing. He knew you were trying to make a name for yourself and that you had talent, but you were reserved and observant, which was good.

“Don’t stay too late,” Youngbae said as he walked up behind Jiyong and rested a hand on the back of the chair, “You need sleep.”

“I will, if you show up on time,” Jiyong replied absently, as he continued to work, “You have vocals to do tomorrow.”

Scoffing, Youngbae patted Jiyong on the shoulder before leaving the studio. Jiyong worked diligently for another hour before he realized he hadn’t eaten since lunch, and it was now well past 10pm. Sitting back in his chair and searching his phone for a nearby takeaway, he saw something out of the corner of his eye and looked up.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” you said, standing in the doorway. When all he did was lower his phone and raise his eyebrows, you continued, “I saw you were still here and I assumed… um… here.” You walked toward him but stopped short and set a water bottle and a salad on the desk in front of him.

“Thought you were busy today,” Jiyong said as he grabbed the water and eyed the salad.

Taking a step back, you nodded, “I was, I’m really sorry about that, but I’m done now.”

No shit you were done now. At this point in your career, you had grown accustomed to having to cover for people, but this was a new low. Luckily, your boss, was the one who had noticed the issue, asked you himself to finish the project. Things like this made you look good, but not to Jiyong, who had to deal with your unexcused absence. You assumed he’d be irritated, but when he took the salad and gestured for you to sit, you were stunned.

“No plans tonight?” he asked after his first bite, then stared at the salad, “This is good.”

_It’s a $60 salad, it better be good_ , you thought before answering, “I never have plans.”

Taking another bite, he leaned back and stared at you. Seungri had been begging for all of them to go out, like they used to, and he had planned to blow it off. Jiyong wondered how Y/N would react to that. Going out with them, relaxing and drinking, maybe Y/N could dance. Before he’d even consider asking, he needed some more time to figure out the details. Saving the rest of his thoughts about what a night like that could bring, he said, “You know you aren’t my assistant.”

Your eyes went wide as you tried to figure out what he meant. Looking around the room as he ate, you fiddled with the strap of your bag as you waited. You were aware that you weren’t an assistant, but you knew that making sure he took care of himself, bare minimum eating more than once a day, was definitely your job. Even if it wasn’t, he was still human and you were being polite.

Jiyong watched as you worried, and quickly swallowed, “I don’t mind this, but you don’t have to keep getting me coffee and food.”

“It isn’t a problem,” you tried to make your voice sound calm and unaffected, but you were worried that you may have crossed a line. What if these niceties were offensive in some way that you didn’t understand because you’d never worked with someone like him. There was always a learning curve, and you hoped you weren’t about to get slapped in the face with it.

Half the salad gone, a surprise to Jiyong who hadn’t realized he was that hungry, set it back on the table and leaned forward, “Not what I meant. It isn’t your job, you’re here to help me, not take care of me.”

Narrowing your eyes, you understood and weren’t about to let this happen. Sitting back and giving him the same once-over he’d given you not ten minutes ago, you said, “I know it’s not my job to take care of you, but it’s well past dinner time. I know you haven’t eaten and if last week tells me anything, you weren’t going to.” He was silent, but didn’t seem mad, so you pressed on, “I will continue to make sure that you perform at your best, and if that includes getting three meals into you, then so be it.”

The two of you were silent for a long time, measuring each other. Jiyong didn’t see you as the type of person who backed down easily, and he was pleased you hadn’t. Even though he thought it was silly that you would bring him food, this was the last he’d ever ask about it. The idea he had of you was changing, becoming more like the real you, and finding out that you noticed his poor eating habits was surprisingly not embarrassing. It made him wonder what else you may have noticed in only a week.

“Finish the salad and let me know what I missed?” you asked, making sure to right the balance between you. Jiyong was always in charge, but when it came to how little he had been eating and how hard he’d been working, you were able to get him to do the right thing. It wasn’t your job, but you hated seeing someone not taking care of themselves, even if they didn’t realize it.

For the next thirty minutes, he went through what they had gotten done that day, and what was planned for tomorrow. You were taken aback when he said they would start recording vocals already, but when he played the track and showed you what he had planned, you were thrilled. The song was still rough, but he was right, and it was so good. He had explained that he needed the vocals, at least Youngbae’s, to get it ready for the rest.

When he told you what he and Seunghyun were going to call it, you laughed before slapping your hand over your mouth. “What?” he asked, finally looking at you since he started talking almost an hour ago.

“Fuck it?” you could barely get the words out as you giggled.

He shrugged, “It’ll probably change and it’s nowhere near- What is so funny?”

You couldn’t hold back, the lyrics he’d shown you made it seem more like a love song, but that title just didn’t fit. The title didn’t just seem out of place, it seemed crass, like they were mocking the genre. But more than anything, it wasn’t what you ever expected from BigBang. They had moments where they would border inappropriate, but they never crossed that line. Gathering your thoughts, you weren’t sure how to say what you needed to say without being rude, “Isn’t that a bit… on the nose?”

“At this point, why not,” he said simply, and you weren’t about to question that.

* * *

The next morning, you were in the studio ready to see them record for the first time. Surprisingly, Jiyong wasn’t the first one to arrive after you, Seunghyun was. He had two people with him and didn’t acknowledge you whatsoever, even after he dismissed them and it was just the two of you in the studio. You had been told Seunghyun, along with Youngbae and Daesung, were more reserved, so you didn’t take offense.

About twenty minutes later, Seungri burst in, all smiles as he looked around the room, and made his way toward you. Seungri was not shy or reserved, and now you were looking forward to Jiyong showing up. The youngest seemed to be better behaved around Jiyong, but for now, no one was there to stop him as he wrapped his arms around you.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he cooed in your ear.

Before he let go, you were both stunned to hear a deep voice reprimanding him, “Don’t do that, she isn’t a toy.”

Seungri dropped his arms and backed away, giving you a small, nervous smile. Your eyes met Seunghyun’s and you tried to thank him, but he cut you off, “Don’t let him do that, Y/N. It gives him ideas.”

“Hyung, don’t be so cruel,” Seungri whined as he grabbed one of the coffees on the table that you had brought in, “I was greeting her, she’s part of the team.”

Muttering under your breath as you started getting the studio ready to record, “You wouldn’t be saying that if Ji were here.”

Seunghyun laughed, before he said to Seungri, “Wouldn’t get anywhere near her if Ji were here, would you?”

“Shut up,” Seungri grumbled as he took a seat and watched you work.

Not long after, Daesung and Youngbae arrived, but still no Jiyong. The four members talked and worked amongst themselves. You noticed that they didn’t work with their producers as much as Jiyong worked with you, having sent them away almost immediately everyday.

Daesung cleared his throat, “Y/N? Would you like to sit with us?”

“Uh.. I have work to do,” you said as you faced them and pointed to the recording equipment.

Holding up his phone, Daesung said, “Ji will be here in a little bit, please, come sit with us.”

You knew better. They had excused their producers, which could be temporary or tactical. That wasn’t what was important, your work was, but part of your job was to keep the talent happy and productive. Since you were the only producer in the room, it was your responsibility. Turning back to the computer and getting one last thing done as you said, “Until Ji gets here, then I have to get back to work.”

Seungri was all smiles when you looked over to the couch and chairs that were mostly occupied. Quickly assessing the situation, you decided to pull your own chair over rather than sit between Seunghyun and Youngbae on the larger couch or next to Seungri on the smaller couch. Once your choice was obvious, you saw Seungri’s face fall.

You’d spent years avoiding guys like Seungri, and for good reason. He wasn’t a bad guy, but he was a bit of a slut. His advances were obvious and flattering, but if you gave in to even one of those moments, all would be lost. Maintaining the balance was your gift, and keeping men and women at bay was a talent you pursued almost as fervently as music.

They took turns asking you a handful of generic questions, which seemed like a waste of time. There were better times to play the ‘get to know you’ game than at 8am on a Tuesday morning when their leader and your temporary boss was MIA. As if he heard your internal pleas for salvation, Jiyong walked into the room.

You were so confused by what you saw, that you couldn’t stop yourself from asking, “Are you okay?”

His hair was messy and hidden under a hat, his clothing was disheveled, and he looked exhausted. Jiyong didn’t look at you as he shared a knowing glance with Seunghyun, and you knew something was wrong. Getting up and pushing your chair back to the desk, you grabbed a coffee and offered it to him, assuming he’d wave it aside like he usually did.

Sighing in relief, he said, “Thank you,” and took the cup.

* * *

Jiyong’s reason for being late wasn’t any of your business, but he seemed determined to drag you into it. He and Seunghyun had ordered food for everyone and sat away from the rest when you had gone out to pick up lunch. Once back, you handed each member their food after handing off the bag for the other staff. When you were about to walk out of the studio and leave them to their own devices, Jiyong said, “Y/N, eat here.”

Turning around, hand on the door, you and Seunghyun had the same look of surprise. He was the first to break, making room next to him on the couch by grabbing the laptop and setting it on the table. Meeting your eyes again, he said, “Hurry up.”

Realizing you weren’t going to get a real break, you sat and started eating, hoping they weren’t going to try to make conversation. After that morning, you knew you didn’t have anything in common with any of these guys aside from music, and even that wasn’t right. You loved k-pop, but weren’t planning on making this your career.

Seunghyun turned back to Jiyong and asked quietly, “When are you gonna end it?”

You focused on your food, but felt Jiyong’s eyes on you as he said cryptically, “It’s already over.”

“Not if…  _this_ is still happening,” Seunghyun said, avoiding any specific information.

Clearing his throat, Jiyong said, “Y/N, I’m sorry about this morning.”

Looking up, mouth full, you made a noncommittal noise that you hoped came across as ‘Don’t worry about it’. Swallowing before you should have and feeling the sharp pain of the food fighting down your esophagus, you muttered, “Not a big deal, really.”

Jiyong sat back, ignoring his food, and stared at you, “Can I ask you a personal question?”

Now you felt Seunghyun’s eyes on you and every fiber of your being screamed that this was bad. The look on Jiyong’s face was not something you wanted to see, and even though you knew you were going to regret this, you nodded.

He leaned forward again and asked quietly so the other people in the studio couldn’t overhear, “Would you ever-”

“No,” Seunghyun said harshly.

Jiyong glared at Seunghyun, and you wanted to leave. Jiyong was clearly having some personal problem and you wanted nothing to do with it. You weren’t unfeeling, but you did not want to get involved with them on a personal level. Your job was clear: squeeze every last drop of music out of them and sell it. There wasn’t anything for you to say, it wasn’t your place, but if you could have you would have let your fangirl lose, which is why you kept that to yourself. Telling him he was unbelievably talented and watching him work did things to you that could only be expressed through animalistic grunts, well, that was unprofessional. Thankful that Seunghyun had cut him off and was keeping Jiyong occupied, you took another large mouthful of food.

* * *

The temporary relief of not getting dragged into Jiyong’s personal life was short lived. Again, it was just the two of you, listening to Youngbae’s vocals for the beginning of the track over and over while Jiyong took notes. You had been working steadily for over an hour since Seunghyun left.

Dropping his head to the desk, Jiyong grumbled something that you couldn’t hear before he turned his head, “I think that’s it for tonight.”

Smiling at him, you got up and started packing your stuff. The awkwardness from earlier wasn’t on your mind, only the hope of climbing into your bed and getting some much needed rest before it started all over again tomorrow. Standing once your bag was in order, you froze.

“Y/N,” he said, his voice soft and much too close.

You looked down to see the table blocking you in, your only real chance for getting any space would be to walk over the damn thing. Closing your eyes, you fought against the thoughts that were bombarding you: the warmth from his body, how close he was to you, his cologne, the way your name sounded when he said it so soft and sweet, and the idiotic hope that he was about to bend you over the table. Taking a deep breath, you asked, “Yes?”

“Would… Would you-”

“No,” you said, mimicking Seunghyun from earlier. If his friend thought this wasn’t a question you were meant to answer, you were going to take his advice.

Jiyong’s hands were on your shoulders as he turned you around and looked into your eyes. He looked defeated as he said, “I just, I don’t understand something and I would like your opinion.”

Narrowing your eyes, you said, “You can ask, but I might not answer.”

“Fine,” he said, pulling off his hat and running his fingers through his messy hair, “It’s my ex-”

“Nope,” you said and stepped to the side, grabbing your bag and walking to the door.

“You didn’t let me ask,” he said as you opened the door.

Turning to face him, you said sternly, needing him to understand that there was a line and that he cannot cross it, “I am not that kind of girl. You want relationship advice, you should talk to someone who’s been in one. I will see you tomorrow.”

Without another word, you were out the door and kicking yourself. Although your words may have made your point, they also gave too much away. Jiyong didn’t need to know that you weren’t just single, but that you have always been single. He probably wouldn’t pick up on that, he had to be too self-involved to pick up on that piece of information after being told off.

* * *

Jiyong stared at the door, and his current dilemma didn’t seem so bad. His phone vibrated again in his pocket. He’d lost count of the number of texts Sarah had sent him, but Y/N’s words rang in his ears.

_“I am not that kind of girl. You want relationship advice, you should talk to someone who’s been in one.”_

_“…you should talk to someone who’s been in one.”_

_“…someone who’s been in one.”_

Y/N wasn’t just single, she’d never been in a relationship. His mind raced through what that could mean, from she’s a mint-condition virgin to her only having one-night stands. The obnoxious feeling in his pocket as his phone vibrated again brought him back to his current problem, and he finally pulled his phone out.

Unlocking the screen and greeted with a picture of Sarah hanging on some random guy was more than he needed to see. Putting his phone on silent, he decided that he wasn’t going to play her games anymore. He needed to get over her before she dragged him back into her bullshit.

As he got ready to leave, he made a plan. The first part of getting over Sarah included not talking to her until he could do it without getting angry. Considering he’d just seen a picture that would have sent him over the edge last night, but instead he wasn’t even bothered. As he got into the car, he was thinking about how to cut her out of his life for good. She brought out the worst in him, and he knew it. He was a mess while they were together, worrying about what she was doing and who she was with. Jiyong had good reasons to be worried, she had cheated on him, stolen from him, and used him.

He planned on taking Seunghyun’s advice, no more talking about her or to her, but the next part would be hard. At some point, Jiyong would have to get rid of Sarah’s stuff that was still in his place. To prove to himself that he was serious, when he got home that night, despite being exhausted and wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed, 

Jiyong went around his apartment gathering her things. Filling a box with all the stuff she had left behind, Jiyong placed it on the dining room table. Staring at the box, he was pleased that he felt nothing. A few weeks ago and he wouldn’t have been able to do this, but now it seemed silly to get upset over a box of her belongings.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiyong groaned as he replied to his ex. He wasn’t nervous, he was irritated, but found he didn’t dread it like he did the week before. The box of her things had been on his table for almost a week before he decided he was ready to get this over with. He wasn’t worried about never seeing her again or missing her presence in his home, Jiyong was looking forward to finally having her out of his life. He didn’t want anything to do with Sarah and sent a quick message back telling her to be at his place that afternoon and to bring his key.

Jiyong groaned as he replied to his ex. He wasn’t nervous, he was irritated, but found he didn’t dread it like he did the week before. The box of her things had been on his table for almost a week before he decided he was ready to get this over with. He wasn’t worried about never seeing her again or missing her presence in his home, Jiyong was looking forward to finally having her out of his life. He didn’t want anything to do with Sarah and sent a quick message back telling her to be at his place that afternoon and to bring his key.

Despite the prospect of dealing with  _her_ again, the rest of the day was pleasant. When he broke the news to you that he’d be leaving that afternoon and would be back later, you didn’t ask if you could leave early, which surprised him. Everyone else was ducking out early, but you were invested, and it gave him something to look forward to.

“I’ll still be here until ten-ish,” you said absently as you typed away.

Grinning at you, Jiyong left the studio to deal with his personal life and looked forward to coming back to you. Jiyong’s mind was far away while he waited for his ex to show up, Sarah was always late, then more waiting until she left.

He knew that thinking about you like this wouldn’t end well, but it felt so good and he was still lonely. Walking out of his apartment and saying goodbye to Sarah for hopefully the last time, he started thinking of ways to see if you might feel the same as he did. Once he was back at the studio, he worked until after 11pm, just the two of you.

As he worked, his mind continued to wander. Jiyong was certain that he didn’t want to be alone, and the Y/N that he had in his head was ideal, which was a problem. He didn’t know you, not really. What if you were like the rest? Other women either couldn’t hold his attention or they used him. Making up his mind that he needed to know you before going any further, he cleared his throat, “Do you have-”

“I never have plans,” you said, your voice distant as you worked. He seemed to always ask this question when he was close to being done for the day.

Even though he felt like he barely knew you, he was certain that you already knew him too well. Sitting back in his chair and stretching, he said, “We need to eat.”

After staring at your laptop for over an hour uninterrupted, you looked up and reality came crashing in on you. You hadn’t been working on anything for the album or Jiyong, you’d been working on your own side project while Jiyong did what he did. Figuring out that watching him constantly wasn’t helping, you used some of your newfound free time to work on your own music. You weren’t a musician or a singer, and certainly not an idol like Jiyong, but you were a composer. Getting songs out of your head and into the real world was your drug of choice, and you would never give it up. As the dream-like state you always found yourself in while you wrote faded, you noticed the time, “Shit, how is it so late?”

“Time flies when you’re… working yourself to death,” Jiyong said. He didn’t want to bother you, but he couldn’t help himself as he started to pack up his stuff, “What were you working on?”

_Fuck me running_ , you thought as you turned away from him and gathered your things, “Just a thing, it’s stupid.” You wondered if he’d get mad if you weren’t completely focused, if he would tell your boss, or if he’d get you fired for not doing your job.

“Looked like you were writing a song,” he said absently as he watched you. One thing he couldn’t deny is the physical attraction he felt toward you. There was something androgynous about how you dressed, but there was no hiding that you were attractive, and he loved it. You didn’t flaunt your femininity, you subdued it, diluted it, and he knew why. He had been in the industry too long to not see the type of women that normally made it to your position, and he knew exactly how too many of them got there.

Standing up quickly, you shrugged, and avoided making any eye contact. You were not going down like this, and if you had to, you figured you could kill him to keep from losing your job… you needed to get sleep.

Jiyong was opening the door for you and following you toward the elevator, while you waited for it to arrive, he muttered, “If you have any original songs, I’d like to hear them.”

You glared at him, and wondered what the hell he could be thinking, when the elevator doors opened. Stepping in and trying to not lose your calm, it wasn’t everyday that G Dragon offered to listen to your music, you decided to come clean, “It’s not… they aren’t… ugh… it’s not like what you do, not even close.”

He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair, “Not even close? What is it then?”

“It’s really not important and I won’t do it again,” you rambled, dropping your gaze to the floor, “It’s unprofessional to work on personal things while I’m supposed to be focused on work.”

Jiyong’s face went slack, showing no emotion as he realized what he had been doing. Pulling himself together and remembering that his personal issues that had been affecting work were over, he leaned close to you and said, “You aren’t in trouble, Y/N, and I would like to hear what you’re working on.”

The sudden closeness had you wishing that you’d taken the stairs. You felt like you were on fire, his breath fanning the flames as it ghosted across you skin. Letting out the breath you had been holding as the elevator doors opened, you rushed out. You didn’t know what to say to him, and kept walking, until you reached the main entrance and he opened the door for you.

Smiling at you as he held the door open, Jiyong grinned, “I’m getting picked up out here, want a ride?” He was certain this wasn’t overstepping. This was no different than you insisting on getting him food, but he couldn’t help the spark of pride at how nervous you seemed to be because of him.

_What the fuck is he doing_ , you thought as you said, “No thank you, I’ll walk.”

“I wanted to ask you about that,” he said as he continued to walk beside you, “Why don’t you take a cab or drive?”

“Not a fan of cars,” you muttered, then turned as a car honked.

Jiyong stopped, looking at the car, his car, then back at you, “I’ll see you tomorrow, have a good night, Y/N.”

You were so out of it when you watched the car drive off, that you stood and tried to process what had happened in the last few minutes. Wondering why he had acted like that wouldn’t do anything but make it worse, and before you were halfway to your apartment building you decided to ignore it. Pretending that whatever just took place never happened was for the best, you didn’t need to fill you head with ridiculous ideas. Not that anything had happened. You convinced yourself completely that he was just being polite and nothing more.

* * *

Jiyong sat in the backseat and thought about all he had learned. You got flustered so easily, and this wasn’t the first time he’d noticed this, but it was consistent. He knew it wasn’t an act and he knew that he made you nervous. He wasn’t sure if it was because you were attracted or intimidated by him, but that would be easy enough to figure out.

The quick glance that he had gotten of what you were working on wasn’t enough, but that too was simple to resolve. He grinned to himself at what tomorrow would bring. Seungri had been making plans and they were going out tomorrow night. Jiyong wasn’t sure how he’d get you to come along, but he knew he could make it happen, it’s what he did.

* * *

You were sitting on the couch in the studio working by yourself. Content and minding your own business, when your day got derailed. He sat next to you, like he had many times that week, and asked those two little words, “Busy tonight?”

“I’m never busy,” you replied, not looking up from your laptop. You were planning the next week and had a lot to sort out.

“Good,” he said, “You’re coming out with us.”

Sighing and closing your eyes, you checked the time, “I can’t.”

“You mean you don’t want to,” he replied coolly, “Too bad, you have to.”

Leveling him with a look that would kill a lesser man, he grinned as you said, “I don’t have to do anything.”

He leaned back on the couch and crossed his leg, “C’mon, I asked so nice.”

Overhearing the exchange, Jiyong turned around and asked, “What did you ask her, hyung?”

“To come with us tonight,” Seunghyun said, “You tell her to do it, she’ll listen to you.”

Rolling your eyes as Jiyong got up and sat on the table in front of the couch, he pleaded, “Please, Y/N…”

Since the beginning of the week, Seunghyun had been friendly. It was odd at first, but you couldn’t tell him you just wanted to work, that making friends with idols wasn’t important, or that you didn’t put much value in friendship. You had friends, but the only good ones seemed to drift away, and the ones that stuck around weren’t worth the time or the energy required to maintain the relationship.

He was persistent though. As soon as you were away from Jiyong or working on something, he was there. You had pegged Seungri for this, but that changed after Monday. Seunghyun wasn’t being rude or looking for attention, he seemed lonely. You had always wondered if being as famous as they were meant they were secretly desperate to have a normal relationship with someone, and this confirmed it. Seunghyun, like Jiyong, was kind and for some reason that you couldn’t understand, he wanted to talk to you.

By Saturday afternoon when he had cornered you, the two of you had had lunch four days in a row and spent hours talking while Jiyong worked. Slowly developing a friendship that seemed, for lack of a better word, real.

All this meant was that you were screwed. It didn’t help that they wanted to leave as soon as possible, giving you no time to change or get ready. You looked so wrong compared to them, even if there had been time for you to get dolled up, it still would have been like giving a little girl a potato to play with and telling her it was a brand new Barbie. When Seunghyun pulled out a bottle of wine in the studio that evening, all work stopped.

Uncorking the bottle and filling as many glasses as he could, Seunghyun took a seat next to you while everyone else drank and chatted in the studio. Jiyong had scolded you for continuing to work and now you were stuck with nothing to do but drink and socialize.

“Pretend you’re having fun,” Seunghyun whispered before taking a drink.

“I’m sorry, T.O.P, but I can’t do that,” you replied in your best impression of HAL9000, downing your entire glass of wine and setting the empty cup on the table.

Seungri slapped Jiyong before pointing at you, “I knew it!”

“Knew what?” you and Seunghyun said in unison.

Seungri grinned at Jiyong for a moment before the older said dismissively, “Seungri thinks your a secret party girl.”

You stared at the youngest for a moment before laughing. As you tried to pull yourself together enough to explain, they stared at you in mild confusion. Once calm, you said, “Not even a little. I’ve never even gone to a bar before.”

Turning to face you, Seunghyun looked truly shocked as he asked, “Never been… how?”

“She works,” Jiyong said, sounding almost proud. The picture he had of you was coming together, and the more he found out the more he liked it. He was more than excited to see what you would be like, but now he was impatient. Jiyong wanted to leave as soon as possible, but knew he had to wait for Daesung and Youngbae to show up.

Seungri scoffed and joined you and Seunghyun on the couch, “You should have fun, Y/N, it won’t kill you.”

“That has yet to be proven,” you said, the wine getting to you already and making you flippant. Before you could panic, they were laughing.

Daesung and Youngbae were back, meaning that the evening could officially begin. They had insisted on getting some of the other producers and staff to join them, but only a few were able to on short notice. When it was time to leave, you had expected Seunghyun to drag you along, but Jiyong was the one getting you out the door.

He’d had a few drinks at the studio and seemed relaxed, less self conscious as he draped an arm around your shoulders and walked with you toward the elevator. “We’re going to have so much fun tonight, Y/N,” he whispered in your ear.

Standing next to him in the elevator like you had done so many times before, and all you could think of was going home. You wanted to get away, but you didn’t know how you could, short of making yourself vomit. As you wondered if they’d notice you jamming a fork down your throat before emptying the contents of your stomach onto their designer shoes, the doors were opening and it was too late to do anything but go along with their plan.

Ushered into the car and sandwiched between Daesung and Seunghyun in the backseat, it was like a switch had been flipped. The guys were pumped. Where they were normally talkative and playful was amped up, and you couldn’t help but be affected by their enthusiasm. Going out was a foreign concept to you, but you were starting to think that nothing bad would happen.

Finally relaxing, you listened to them joke as you planned when you could sneak off. You hated it, but you couldn’t help yourself when you drank. By far the one thing you hated about yourself was smoking, but you had managed to keep it to a minimum because of work. Idols and trainees typically were health nuts that didn’t want anything to do with unhealthy behavior, so you had managed to quit, unless you were drinking. Since you usually only went out to dinner with friends and drank, it was easy to slink away from the group and indulge without anyone suspecting. You knew it was bad, but you didn’t care. How could you when the first drag always felt so good mixed with the buzz from whatever you were drinking.

Seunghyun put his arm around you, which was strange, but when you realized that you had to duck and run into the club it made sense. His arm didn’t move when you got inside, but you didn’t mind. He wasn’t being a creep and you were surprised when you noticed how much you liked it. Seunghyun was tall, handsome, and smelled so good, it was hard to remember why you had put off being close to someone while he had his arm around you.

Once in the reserved room, chaos ensued. There was alcohol and even though it was illegal to smoke in clubs, it wasn’t in this separate area, or no one cared. You were alarmed when you smelt the smoke at first, but recognized it quickly. You were desperate for a cigarette by now, and the music and lights were disorienting.

Seunghyun, who seemed to notice you needed to adjust, lead you to one of the booths in the back while everyone else wandered off. Ordering a bottle of wine, he kept you close, as he dug into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. The music wasn’t as loud in the back, but he still leaned toward you when he spoke, “You look scared.”

“I’m not,” you said too loud, not comfortable being that close to him. You weren’t able to hide your fascination and need when you watched him light a cigarette, and he noticed. Without a word, he offered it to you, not one from the pack, but the one he had just taken a drag from.

He smiled when you hesitated, your eyes darting between his face and the lit cigarette. Leaning close again, he said, “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

Laughing to yourself as you dropped your head, you held out your hand and took the cigarette. Sitting up and taking a long drag, you didn’t even flinch when you felt his hand on your thigh. Handing it back to him, he waved it off as he lit another and was back at your ear, “Let me know when you feel up to dancing.”

Again, you were laughing and he was staring at you with a bemused look on his face. “I can’t dance,” you said, not even thinking about how close you were to him.

* * *

An hour later, and you were well on your way to being drunk. Seunghyun never left your side, which you hadn’t expected as the others came and went, except Jiyong. You had seen him a few times, walking through the crowd but not really talking to anyone for more than a few minutes. Grabbing the pack of cigarettes, you lit your third for the night and decided that when it was done, you were going to take Seunghyun up on his offer.

You weren’t sure if you could dance with someone, but after watching the other people for the better part of an hour, you didn’t think it could be that hard. Before you got that far, Jiyong was walking toward the booth and you panicked. Quickly ditching the cigarette in the ashtray and hoping he hadn’t seen you smoking, up until you saw him take a long drag off his own. He slid into the booth next to you, trapping you between him and Seunghyun, as he asked, “Having fun kids?”

Seunghyun leaned around you and said with a grin, “Always.”

You felt off, so out of your normal environment that you decided to grab your cigarette as you replied, “I’d rather be working.”

Jiyong and Seunghyun both laughed, the latter returning his hand to your thigh and squeezing. The rest of the world seemed to become static as you heard your heart beating loudly in your ears. His hand was higher this time and it sent a surge of arousal coursing through your body, making it nearly impossible to think of anything else. You needed to get some air, put some space between the two of you, but you couldn’t.

“Need anything?” Jiyong asked, suddenly at your side, his lips brushing your ear as he spoke.

Your eyes went wide. Sensation overload was an understatement as you practically shouted, “I need to go to the bathroom.”

Seunghyun slid out of the booth, giving you an escape route and you bolted to the bathroom. Now that you were away from them, your head was able to clear and you knew it wasn’t real. There was no way that what happened, or anything that might happen, meant anything. This was just how they were, but it had done something to you. You needed more, but not from Seunghyun, and definitely not from Jiyong. They were dangerous. The more time you spent in the bathroom, the more ridiculous you realized you were acting. You didn’t need anyone and you could keep your head and not misinterpret their friendliness. It wasn’t that complicated.

Walking out of the bathroom and back toward the booth, Jiyong watched you and any clarity you had was gone. Not sitting down again, you got close enough to Seunghyun for him to hear you ask, “Still wanna dance?”

With his arm around your waist, you tried to relax when he came to a stop and you had to face him. You were terrified. It was too much to look up at him, so you focused on the collar of his shirt and tried to figure out the thread count. After a few minutes of awkwardly trying to match the beat of the music, he leaning down and said, “You need to relax, Y/N.”

“No I don’t,” you said as you did your best to unlock your knees. This is why you hated going out. This is why you hated dancing. Being this close to someone and trying to match their movements was impossible without rehearsing. The idea of rehearsing moving in time with Seunghyun crossed your mind and making your already overheated face burn even hotter.

His laughter took you out of your head, your eyes meeting his and you thought you were going to combust. The steady build of neglected human needs, sex being the most notable, was reaching a dangerous peak.

Seunghyun pulled you close so he could easily talk and hear you, guiding the two of you to the edge of the crowd, “Why are you so scared?”

“I’m not,” you said, even though you knew it was obvious you were lying.

He brushed your hair back from your face, tucking it behind your ear and looking you dead in the eyes, “You’re cute when you get flustered like this.”

Your eyes went wide as he smiled down at you, and you blurted, “Stop it.”

Pulling you close again, Seunghyun chuckled, and imitating HAL9000 said, “I’m sorry, Y/N, but I can’t do that.”

When the song ended, you made to pull away from him but he wouldn’t let you go. He kept you close, his hands on your waist as you did your best to match his movements. By the time the song was half over, you were adjusting to his touch and closeness. Able to relax a little, your once jerky and stilted movements became smoother, finally swaying in place with him.

As the song came to an end, you were half relieved and half disappointed when he let go and nodded at the table. Seunghyun took your hand and lead you back to the booth and Jiyong, who looked severely pissed off but trying to hide it, which he wasn’t very good at.

Jiyong had watched in stunned silence as you said something to Seunghyun. When he nodded at you and got up, Jiyong felt abandoned. Seeing him take your hand and lead you to where people were dancing, then wrapping an arm around your waist was painful. It wasn’t like what Sarah had done so many times, but this was different. You weren’t his, and he hadn’t even talked about any of this with anyone, so Seunghyun had no idea that he was butting in. Seunghyun wasn’t doing anything wrong, even though it hurt to see you with him. Aware that he was being ridiculous, Jiyong ordered another bottle of wine and was able to drink another two glasses before you and Seunghyun came back.

With Seunghyun’s arm around you again now that you could walk next to him, it was easy to ignore the nagging voice in your head reminding you that this meant nothing to him, that you meant nothing to him, Seunghyun was just being polite. Even if you knew that this wasn’t what it seemed, you couldn’t help but enjoy his affection while it lasted. What really cemented the idea that you were out of your element was Jiyong’s piercing glare.

Taking your seat and sliding closer to Jiyong as Seunghyun joined you, you said rather flatly, “So… I dance now.”

“I saw,” Jiyong said, forcing a smile that made him feel sick.

All his grand plans for the evening, the ideas that he had been cultivating for the better part of three weeks, were disintegrating before his eyes. That’s when he realized that he couldn’t have someone like you. You were normal, relatively well adjusted, and that didn’t mesh with his lifestyle or with him. His heart sank as he saw Seunghyun put his arm around your shoulder again so he could whisper something that made you smile. Knowing that dwelling on this, holding onto these feelings and letting them fester would only breed animosity between him and Seunghyun, Jiyong tried to shake it off.

If he could have picked someone for you, aside from himself, it would have been Seunghyun or Daesung. They were kind, patient, and able to talk to you without their inner thoughts being plastered across their faces. Jiyong couldn’t do that. He respected you, wanted to know you, but he couldn’t help himself when he was around you. His mind always drifted to the terrible things the two of you could be doing, but none of that would ever come to anything. They were just the fantasies of a lonely man who couldn’t handle a real relationship no matter how badly he wanted it. At least that’s what Jiyong figured as he watched you laugh and talk with Seunghyun.

“Ji, where are you going?” Seunghyun asked as Jiyong started getting up.

Turning to face them once he was out of the booth, Jiyong scratched the back of his head as he said, “Heading home, the wine hit me hard.”

“Monday, 5am?” Y/N asked him, but Jiyong saw Seunghyun’s hand on your thigh and couldn’t answer. As he turned away from them and walked out of the club, he kept his head down and pulled his hood up. He needed to think, and to think, he needed to be alone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Opening his eyes and staring at the ceiling, he knew that he needed to change. He’d wallowed in self-pity for so many years, and after staying in bed for longer than necessary, Jiyong finally got up. He checked his phone, but didn’t feel like talking to anyone until he saw a text from Seunghyun.

Opening his eyes and staring at the ceiling, he knew that he needed to change. He’d wallowed in self-pity for so many years, and after staying in bed for longer than necessary, Jiyong finally got up. He checked his phone, but didn’t feel like talking to anyone until he saw a text from Seunghyun.

Jiyong debated on calling. The text was from last night, late last night, after he had left to brood. He didn’t know if he wanted to hear what Seunghyun had to say. Jiyong’s mind painted him vivid pictures of what Seunghyun and Y/N could have done after he left, and he hated it. Shaking his head, he muttered, “Get out of your head,” as he called Seunghyun.

* * *

Waking up without a hangover but a cough that wouldn’t quit, you went about your normal Sunday routine with thoughts of the night before popping into your head. Seunghyun had been flirting, you were sure of it now, but couldn’t reconcile it with the reality of the situation. After Jiyong left, he’d backed off for a while, but when the second bottle of wine had been finished off, he seemed to lose himself.

Later that night, he had dragged you outside under the pretense of needing air, and pushed you against the cool bricks, one of his legs between your own, and you could have sworn you were dreaming. The rush of adrenaline wasn’t anything compared to how it felt to be looked at like that by someone like him. Seunghyun’s eyes rapidly shifting back and forth between your eyes and lips, while taking his bottom lip between his teeth. You couldn’t remember what he had said in that moment, but it didn’t matter. It was over before anything happened, and you had no idea what it meant.

That was a lie. You knew exactly what it meant, but those thoughts and motives only applied to that particular moment. Come Monday, both having sufficient time to think and reflect as well as sober up, things would be different. You started to worry that this would make work difficult. What if his reasons for cornering you like that had been fueled by drink rather than any actual feelings? You knew the answer to this; you were fucked and needed to get Seunghyun out of your head.

* * *

Jiyong walked down the hall toward the studio, dread in every step. He didn’t want to see whatever was going on between Y/N and Seunghyun in person again, but after the conversation he’d had yesterday, that was unlikely. Opening the door and keeping his head down, he took his normal seat at the desk and got ready for what would most likely be a very long day.

* * *

Five in the morning wasn’t as bad as it could be. You had four coffees today, one for yourself, Jiyong, Seunghyun, and Youngbae, that you managed to not spill as you got out of the elevator. When you saw that the light was already on in the studio, you sighed. If Jiyong thought that getting in earlier than 5am was something you would do, he was sorely mistaken. It wasn’t your place to make demands of him, but he needed some balance in his life, even a little would be better than drowning himself in work.

Pushing the door open and seeing him hunched over his laptop, you didn’t bother to greet him. His headphones were on, and he was clearly deep in the zone. Setting your stuff down on the table, you grabbed Jiyong’s coffee and brought it over to him.

One of your favorite parts of working with him was your numerous failed attempts at sneaking him things. There was something appealing about not being seen when bringing him things, just to see that look of surprise on his face when he finally notices. Only pulling it off twice in three weeks, you knew you were due another victory as you snuck up behind him.

Reaching across the desk, just out of his line of sight, when Jiyong’s chair slammed into your hip. Balanced on one leg, you fell backwards, crushing the cup and the steaming hot coffee doused your front. He was wide eyed with shock as he heard you shriek, and turned around to look down at you, “What are you doing?!”

“Fuck!” you shouted, pulling at your shirt as the coffee felt like it was melting your skin. It wasn’t hot enough to burn, but your stomach and chest were already a brilliant shade of pink from what you could see, while your shirt was ruined.

Frozen as he stood over you, trying to tear his eyes away but unable to fight against seeing you fanning yourself. He would regret his actions later, but in that moment he didn’t know what to do as he watched you sit up and pull at your shirt.

The pain was distracting, but you needed to get your shirt off before anything else. You got up, rushing to the couch. Digging through your bag as the coffee cooled and felt sticky against your skin, hoping you had something to help but knowing you didn’t. You let out a yelp as a hoodie was thrust in front of your face. Your eyes meeting Jiyong’s as he stood next to you holding out the hoodie he had been wearing, he said, “Use this, while I can go find something.”

Taking his hoodie, you said, “Thanks, I’m sorr-”

“Don’t be,” he muttered as he looked around nervously, “I’ll go see if there’s something in reception. They usually have tour stuff.”

Watching him leave the studio, you carefully pulled off your dripping shirt and walked over to the garbage. The chocolate and whatever else was in Jiyong’s drink had left dark stains that you didn’t have the energy to attempt getting out. Walking back to the couch, the door handle turned and you panicked. You were essentially walking around the studio in nothing but a bra and leggings. Grabbing the hoodie and fighting with the zipper as the door opened, you heard Seunghyun’s laugh, and felt your stomach lurch.

Not having enough time to pull it over your head, you held the sweatshirt to your chest and turned around. Seunghyun walked into the room and looked around, “Good morn- oh.”

Trapped in the worse staring contest of your life, you could hear someone else walking down the hall and needed to get out. You couldn’t deal with this, but you couldn’t move, Seunghyun was in the way.

Jiyong saw the door was open and started running toward the studio, his hope that no one else would show up before he got back was lost, much like his coffee. Pushing past Seunghyun who didn’t seem to realize he was blocking the way, Jiyong handed you  the shirt he’d found, and turned to face Seunghyun. Effectively blocking you from sight as he said, “Let’s go get coffee.”

Before you could stop them or point out that you could go get him another coffee since it was your dumbass that spilt it, they were gone. Looking at the t-shirt Jiyong had found, you grimaced. It was a Coup d’Etat tour shirt. You knew you couldn’t leave early, embarrassment wasn’t a valid excuse, but you were now considering faking an illness. Dropping his hoodie on the couch and pulling the t-shirt over your head, you felt better. The shirt was massive, which was a relief. Your ruined shirt had been a tunic, and if Jiyong had gotten you a shirt that was your size, your ass would have been on display all day. Unsure what to do with his hoodie, you draped it over his chair and got to work.

* * *

“What happened?” Seunghyun asked as they walked toward the elevator.

Jiyong sighed, “I don’t know. She wasn’t there, then she was right behind me, and coffee was everywhere.”

Turning to face him, Seunghyun slapped Jiyong’s shoulder, “Topless?”

“No!” Jiyong said louder than necessary, knowing Y/N could probably still hear them. He waited to continue once they were safely in the elevator, “She was bringing me my coffee and I backed my chair into her.”

Seunghyun visibly relaxed, and nudged Jiyong with his elbow as they got out of the elevator, “Good, I was worried”

“Worried…” Jiyong muttered, his voice sounding more bitter than he had intended. The coffee shop was only two blocks away, but he didn’t think he could handle a repeat of the phone call from Sunday. He didn’t want to hear about Y/N filtered through Seunghyun.

After getting coffee, Jiyong had to actively restrain himself from yelling at his friend to just be quiet. Seunghyun wasn’t being an asshole, but he was talking nonstop about her and it was driving Jiyong crazy. He had decided Sunday that he wouldn’t pursue anything with Y/N as long as Seunghyun was. His friend was interested, so he was going to sit back and let it play out.

“I’m gonna ask her out,” Seunghyun announced after a long monologue about something that had happened earlier last week with Y/N.

Gripping the cup harder than he should and almost losing another cup of coffee, Jiyong couldn’t hide the anger in his voice, “Why?”

Seunghyun pretended to ignore Jiyong’s outburst. He had hoped that Sarah hadn’t ruined the idea of dating or relationships for Jiyong, but he had always been so closed off when it came to that stuff. Jiyong never said a word if he was attracted to someone until the last minute, and after almost 10 years of being friends, Seunghyun had picked up on this and could usually tell. Testing Jiyong wasn’t a good idea, but if anyone could get away with it, Seunghyun could, “Yeah, why wouldn’t I? We get along, and after Saturday… well… I am a gentleman.”

Gritting his teeth, Jiyong couldn’t say anything. His blood was boiling at the idea of what they could have done. Seunghyun had been vague on Sunday, only saying that something had happened, but not giving any details, just hinting that she had to be interested in him, not like Jiyong could have asked for more information. As they stood in front of the studio while Jiyong unlocked the door, Seunghyun decided that if Jiyong wanted Y/N, he’d have to fight for her.

* * *

“Put your money away, I bought lunch,” Seunghyun said as he sat on the couch next to you.

Jiyong was still working, but had ordered food that sat untouched on the desk. It irritated you that he had been so quiet all morning, but it wasn’t that unusual. Regardless, you planned on not going out with them again, it had made everything weird.

Taking your food and getting ready to eat, you grumbled, “I don’t need you paying for things, I’m more than capa-”

“Just let me be nice,” Seunghyun interrupted, seeing Jiyong turning slightly.

You ate in silence until Youngbae’s phone rang. He got up and walked out of the studio to talk, giving Seunghyun the opportunity he had been waiting for, “So, Y/N, when we finish tonight, do you want to get dinner?”

Stopping mid bite as you tried to figure out if you had had a stroke or if he had actually just said that aloud. You had hoped that what happened Saturday night had been a drunken accident, but that wasn’t the case. Seunghyun seemed determined to make something happen, and that was not good. If dating was bad, dating the talent was worse. Jiyong turned around in his chair to face him, but you didn’t notice, too lost in your own thoughts to do much else as Jiyong glared at his friend.

Ignoring Jiyong, Seunghyun put his arm around your shoulders, “Anything you want, and you can pay.”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Y/N said as kindly as you could while setting your food on the table, shrugging his arm off.

“You don’t think paying would be a good idea, I agree,” Seunghyun said, and you laughed. You couldn’t help it, he was easy to talk to and surprisingly funny.

At this point, Jiyong had more than his fill of the Seunghyun and Y/N show. Grabbing his food and putting his feet up, he tried to ignore them as he ate, but that was impossible. Seunghyun would whisper something and you would whisper back, and Jiyong knew you weren’t going to stop. After a few more minutes, Jiyong snapped, “Could you two stop?”

When Jiyong looked over, Seunghyun didn’t seem bothered but you looked terrified.  _Good_ , Jiyong thought before Seunghyun asked, “Stop what?”

“The mating ritual, we’re supposed to be working,” Jiyong knew that his words wouldn’t bother Seunghyun, but they would hopefully get you back on task.

“Mating ritual?” your voice was quiet, but you didn’t look scared anymore as you looked between them. This was exactly what you feared, and it needed to stop. You didn’t know how to explain this to Seunghyun without getting him alone, so you opted for putting excessive distance between the two of you. Avoiding Seunghyun’s gaze, you said flatly, “I need to work.”

“Don’t mind him,” Seunghyun said, “We’re having lunch, we can talk.”

It was one thing to indulge in a fantasy, but it was another when it pissed her boss off. There was no way in hell that Choi Seunghyun would ever be anything other than a fantasy, and you needed to make it clear to him. You knew that not addressing what had happened Saturday night would come back to bite you on the ass, and now you had to settle this not only with him but with Jiyong as well.

Getting up and setting the remains of your lunch next to your laptop, Seunghyun tried to get you to sit back down. Closing your eyes and keeping your back to both of them, you said as quickly as you could, “Nothing is going on, just a misunderstanding. It won’t happen again.”

“A misunderstanding?” Seunghyun asked, confused by your sudden shift in mood.

Jiyong watched with rapt attention as you faced Seunghyun and explained, “We almost kissed,  _almost_ , I stopped it, and walked away. I thought it was clear that I wasn’t interested, but I should have been more direct. You are a client, that’s all. I’m sorry if gave you the wrong impression.”

“But…” Seunghyun looked baffled, as if you were telling him that Santa wasn’t real.

Sighing deeply, you asked Jiyong, “Would you mind if I took the rest of the day off?”

“Yes, now finish your lunch,” Jiyong said to you quickly, “We have work to do.” There was no way he was letting you leave, but he needed to make sure Seunghyun wasn’t in his head before that spiraled out of control. Leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees, Jiyong thought for a moment as he watched Seunghyun. It was always hard to tell which way his mood would go, but Jiyong needed to make sure that there wouldn’t be a problem. If push came to shove, Y/N would be the one to go, and Jiyong didn’t want to see it come to that, not over something like this.

“Is there going to be a problem, hyung?” Jiyong asked, hoping that Seunghyun could be logical for once.

Nodding as he sat back, unsure how he had lost so quickly, Seunghyun said, “No, I didn’t… Let’s just forget about it.”

* * *

Despite what he had said, the atmosphere had changed. Youngbae had left early and Seunghyun didn’t stick around long after that. Jiyong knew he’d get over it and would be back to normal, even if his ego had taken a blow. This wouldn’t be the first time, for any of them. It was why Jiyong knew he had to be careful, especially after your reaction to Seunghyun. He couldn’t afford to act rash and not think things through, he needed time to prove himself and to fully understand you before he could do anything,  _if_ he was going to do anything.

By 8pm, Jiyong had pulled out a bottle of whiskey and poured himself a glass while you went to pick up their dinner. He didn’t think you’d mind, neither of you drove so you could relax a bit. Part of him knew that he needed to treat you like an employee, because that’s what you were, but his feelings got in the way. Not that he had to reprimand you aside from earlier that day, you were usually the one to get on his case about taking care of himself, but he enjoyed that more than he cared to think about.

When the studio door opened, he heard you sigh and immediately felt like an asshole for drinking. Looking over his shoulder at you, he waited for you to say something but you didn’t. Walking over to the desk and depositing the bag of food on the table, you collapsed into your chair and held out your hand. For a moment he didn’t know what to do, until you said, “Don’t hold out on me, I’ve had a day.”

Grinning, Jiyong poured you a glass and handed it to you. As you took your first drink, he stood and unpacked the food. This is what he had thought he had lost, these moments. You’d shared a few of them in just under a month of working together, but these late nights were quickly becoming what he looked forward to when he woke up. That morning he had thought this wasn’t something he’d get to do again with you, but he was wrong and he planned on enjoying the evening.

Once you were eating, Jiyong started a conversation that he would play over in his mind for months, “So… the thing with Seunghyun…”

You groaned, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I just thought I’d give you some advice,” Jiyong said innocently. He had no intention of getting them together, he wanted information and this was the best way to get it. When you dropped your head onto the table, he continued, “If you’re into him or if you want him to stop…”

Lifting your head and looking at him warily, you asked, “How would you suggest I get him to stop without pissing him or my boss off?”

“Easy,” Jiyong said, setting his fork down and leaning back in his chair, “Tell him you aren’t interested.”

Rolling her eyes, Y/N laughed, “Thanks, I guess.”

“Do you really want him to stop?” Jiyong knew that this question could be his downfall. If you were only turning Seunghyun down because of work, he didn’t stand a chance, but he refused to be selfish. He would make it clear that you could do as you liked and wouldn’t let it affect your job, no matter how things turned out.

You didn’t need any time to think on that as you blurted, “Yes.” Realizing too late that you needed to add more, you began to ramble, “I mean, he’s nice and all, but I’m not interested. Not in any of that mess.”

“Are you gay?” Jiyong asked without thinking, and quickly added while she gaped at him, “I heard rumors, and I don’t care if you are, but if you are you could tell-”

“Ji,” you interrupted and waited a moment for him to breathe, “Do you really want to know?”

Suspicious but desperate for answers, Jiyong nodded.

Picking up your glass and downing the contents, you explained, “I’ve never really thought about it, but I’m pretty sure if I had leanings one way or another, I’d know about it by now.”

“Oh,” was all Jiyong could say. He hadn’t expected that, but it made sense with something else had said before. As the pieces started to fall into place for Jiyong, he finished his drink and said bluntly, “You could do a lot worse than Seunghyun, but if you aren’t interested then you should let him know.”

“I did. A few times,” you said, laughing to yourself as you thought about how many texts you had gotten from him since he left for the day.

Jiyong filled your glasses again, the buzz from his first drink relaxing him and making it easier to talk to you, “He’s harmless, but when he likes someone he’s kind of unstoppable.”

“I think it’s more that he wants what he can’t have, if he ever got me he’d realize that I’m nothing special,” you said as you took your glass.

Staring at you as you drank, Jiyong couldn’t believe that you thought so little of yourself. Your work ethic alone set you apart from most other people, but it was more than that. You were understanding and intuitive, able to work well with anyone and get things done efficiently. He didn’t think he’d be nearly as focused or healthy without your help, and it had only been a few weeks. At a loss for what to say, you both went back to eating.

Food finished and well into the third drink for the evening, you broke the silence, “Are we going to attempt working, because… I’m drunk.”

Jiyong giggled, “No, we’re very done working. C’mon.” He got up, a little uneasy on his feet as he walked back to the couch with his drink.

Without hesitation, you followed him with the bottle of whiskey and fell onto the couch next to him. Only a foot between you as you both relaxed and drank, Jiyong felt something he’d missed: longing. He knew he was blushing, partially from the alcohol, but mostly from being so close to you. When you leaned forward to put your empty glass on the table next to the bottle, his eyes were on you, studying your body as you moved and wishing he could reach out and touch you.

Letting gravity do what it does, you fell back on the couch and turned to face him, “So… Mr. Dragon…”

“Mr. Dragon?” Jiyong asked.

Staring at him and arching an eyebrow, “Yeah,  _Mr_. Dragon, what are you gonna do about it?”

The urge to close the distance and kiss you was more than he could handle. He didn’t know what to say to you anymore, and he didn’t want to talk. The alcohol was making it difficult to think, but easier to act.

As if it were in slow motion, you watched Jiyong move closer and wondered why he was closing his eyes. It took a second before you really registered what was about to happen, but it was too late. When his lips met yours, your mind went blank and you whimpered. You’d thought about this, even though you would deny it if anyone ever asked, and it was so much better than you ever thought it could be.

When you didn’t push him away, Jiyong was momentarily exhilarated, but then it hit him: you weren’t kissing him back either. He pulled back, and nearly came in his pants when you followed, keeping them connected. As slow as he could manage, he lifted his hand to your face, feeling your smooth skin under his fingers as he cupped your cheek.

Like on Saturday, you had no idea what was going on, but this was different. Your body wasn’t telling you to stop even if it felt good, you wanted more. When you felt Jiyong pull back, you couldn’t stop yourself as you leaned into him. Feeling his hand touching you, how gentle he was, you started feeling light-headed, and realized you’d been holding your breath. Before you passed out, you pulled back and took a huge gasping breath. Keeping your eyes closed, your mind started to sound the alarm and you fought against it. You wanted to keep this moment for as long as you could before the inevitable backlash.

“Sorry,” Jiyong whispered, but he didn’t mean it.

“No,” you said, your voice uneven, “It’s…. um… fine.”

Dropping his hand to your neck, Jiyong wanted to keep you close as long as he could, “Let me take you home.”

Your eyes snapped open and you sat up, “Uh, no thanks, I need some air, walking is fine.”

Leaning back as he watched you rush around the studio to collect your things, Jiyong knew he couldn’t let you walk home alone, “Then I’ll walk with you, have my car pick me up there.”

“Alright,” you said, you were still a bit punch-drunk from the kiss and needed to snap out of it. The concern was now paramount that you not let this go any further. Being alone with him was worse than Seunghyun. When push came to shove, you had been able to tell the latter no, but you had wanted to kiss Jiyong, you still did. It was painful now how much you wanted to kiss him, you didn’t think you’d be able to stop yourself if he did it again, and that couldn’t happen.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit, you thought as you stared up at the ceiling while your alarm continued to ring. It happened. Again. But this time was different. You hadn’t pushed Jiyong away, and you knew with complete certainty that you wanted more. However, like Saturday, alcohol had been involved, and you didn’t know where you stood with him. He wasn’t obvious like Seunghyun had been, but that was part of Jiyong’s appeal.

_Shit_ , you thought as you stared up at the ceiling while your alarm continued to ring. It happened. Again. But this time was different. You hadn’t pushed Jiyong away, and you knew with complete certainty that you wanted more. However, like Saturday, alcohol had been involved, and you didn’t know where you stood with him. He wasn’t obvious like Seunghyun had been, but that was part of Jiyong’s appeal.

Getting ready for work, you were nervous, but like other times where you were worried a song started forming in your head. It was sweet and almost playful. You were humming the melody, trying to hold onto it as you finished getting ready and walked to work. Hoping you’d be able to get a few minutes alone so you could write it down before you forgot it, you went straight to work. Luckily you had beaten Jiyong for once, arriving at 4:30am, and you quickly got your laptop out to start getting what was in your head into reality.

* * *

Hoping he’d beat you to work, Jiyong sent a few quick texts when he decided to stop and get coffee. He knew you’d stop and get some, but he fixed that with another text. Even though he didn’t get a reply right away, he had the driver stop at a coffee shop. Arriving at the studio, he saw you closing the door, and couldn’t help but smile when you noticed him.

“Forgetting something?” Jiyong teased as he walked toward you.

You had just finished getting the basics of the song down and were at a good stopping point, so you could run to get coffee before everyone else showed up. Unlocking the studio and holding the door open for Jiyong, “I was just heading out, but I guess I don’t need to.”

“Didn’t you check your phone?” Jiyong asked, setting his things down.

Pulling your phone out you noticed a text message from an unknown number.  _When did he get my number_ , you thought as you read the message, “Um… thanks?”

“You’re welcome?” he said, mimicking your tone as he handed you your coffee, “Why were you in so early?”

“Just had a few things to do,” you said before taking a sip.

* * *

Around nine, there was a call on the studio phone for you, and your blood ran cold. Your boss’ secretary told you to come up to his office immediately. As you walked toward his office, you didn’t know if you’d be going back to the studio. You were terrified. What if Seunghyun had complained, or Jiyong, you couldn’t understand why they would. You didn’t know any of them that well. For all you knew, they could have been testing you, to see if you were that type of girl and you confirmed it, now you were getting fired.

Knocking on the door, you didn’t know what to expect when you were told to enter and take a seat. Your boss was his usual self, and greeted you warmly, “Y/N, what can I say?”

You waited, because you had no idea what he should say, but his tone was hopeful. He didn’t seem angry or disappointed, but the times you had seen him close to angry had started normally. “How are things going with GD?” he asked, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his desk, his attention completely focused on you, “Do you like working with him?”

“Good, he’s easy to work with but forgets to eat,” you said honestly.

Your boss sat back and laughed, “I’m glad to hear it. As you know, after tomorrow he will be working on a music video.”

There it was, your out from all this awkwardness, the month with him was coming to an end and if he hadn’t requested specifically that you continue to work with him, you were back to your normal job. It hurt thinking that after today you might not get to see him again, but it would be for the best. His constant presence was making it hard to not think about him, not that you minded.

“Jiyong’s asked that you stay on,” he said, and you felt your jaw drop.

You didn’t understand, the music was done for the video they were going to be working on, “But-”

“Choreography and filming are covered,”your boss grinned, “He asked for you specifically.”

“He did?”

“Yes, about two weeks ago, and he was very insistent,” he said, shuffling a few papers on his desk and pulling out a large envelop, “This is big, Y/N.”

You reached out and took the envelop, unable to open it, “What will I be doing?”

Smiling at you, as if he couldn’t wait to see how you’d react, he explained, “Jiyong would like to offer you a position on his staff….”

The rest of his explanation became white noise. Jiyong, two weeks ago, had done this. Long before last night and the awkward weekend, but with enough time having passed since both of those moments to change his mind, but he didn’t. You tried to think back to see if there had been any hint that he was thinking about this, let alone made the decision, and you couldn’t find anything.

Your boss’ voice cut through your thoughts, “…Y/N?”

“Yes?”

“I know it’s ridiculous to ask, but I have to. Are you going to accept?”

“Oh,” you didn’t know if you should. This could end badly, or worse, you’d end up getting in over your head with the person who could make or break you. But before you could turn down the offer, you realized what you would be turning down. The reason you worked hard, the reason that getting to work with Jiyong was such an important step, this was your chance. If you turned this down because you were worried about feelings, it was no better than getting this chance on your back. Knowing that he’d asked before anything had happened was all the proof you needed, the rest could be sorted out later.

* * *

When you got back to the studio, Jiyong was dragging you back out to the hall. Walking in silence toward an empty conference room, he closed the door but didn’t turn around as he asked, “Did you accept?”

He didn’t need to explain, and you were slightly worried that he had wanted to rescind the offer after what happened last night. “Yes,” you said, your voice noticeably uncertain despite only saying one syllable.

As he turned around, he slowly lifted his head and met your eyes, “Good. They won’t tell me until later and I was worried that after last night-”

“That’s not why I accepted,” you interrupted and wished you hadn’t.

He cocked an eyebrow and took a few steps toward you, standing too close as he looked down at you, “I assumed, and I didn’t decide any of this-”

“I know,” you blurted again, “He told me you decided two weeks ago.”

“Good,” Jiyong said, still standing far too close.

“Good,” you said, not moving until your phone went off. Pulling it out and thankful it was an unknown number, you sidestepped and answered. It was Jiyong’s manager, who for the next twenty minutes, proceeded to bombard you with so much information you barely processed walking back to the studio behind Jiyong.

By lunch, you were exhausted. Soonho, Jiyong’s manager and apparently your new best friend, had emailed you everything and the sheer volume of information was daunting. You had time before you’d need to be able to do much aside from the music side of things, but one thing was obvious: your life now revolved around Kwon Jiyong. You didn’t have time to think about what you were going to do about the kiss, for now you needed to focus on your job and cram as much information into your head that you could.

As you scrolled through one of the seemingly endless emails while you ate a sandwich, you felt the couch dip next to you, but ignored it. You had been trying to get through as much as you could while you weren’t busy. Tomorrow was the beginning of the filming process, which was completely foreign to you. Spending the majority of your life in composing and performing, you never really thought about music videos aside from that they were cool. Now you were doing your best to figure out as much as you could so you didn’t look stupid. There weren’t hopes that you’d become a director or anything like it, but you weren’t going to slack off just because you might not need a seemingly unrelated skill later on.

“You can take a break,” Seunghyun said, as he shifted next to you.

Without looking away from your laptop, you said, “I really can’t, this is important.”

The rest of the day seemed to happen without you. Jiyong and the rest left you alone while you read and took notes. It wasn’t until Jiyong was standing in front of you and holding a water bottle in front of your monitor that you realized how tired you were. Blinking a few times and taking the bottle, you sat back and looked around the room, “Where is everyone?”

“They left over an hour ago,” he said, “Just me and you.”

“Huh…” you said as you set the water bottle down and started to panic. You couldn’t be alone with him, not now. Thinking as much as you had turned your brain to spaghetti, you were doomed if he got too close, rather he was doomed. All you were certain of was that you needed to come up with a plan of how to deal with him that didn’t involve your faces touching, or anything else touching.

Taking a seat next to you, Jiyong asked, “Nervous about tomorrow?”

You shook your head, “I’ve been to concept meetings before.”

“Well, I’ve seen the production notes and some of what they have started, I think you’re gonna like it,” Jiyong said, propping his elbow on the back of the couch and cradling his head while he looked at you.

You sighed, “Doesn’t really matter if I like it.”

So quietly you almost weren’t sure you heard him right, he muttered, “Does to me.” Before you had time to ask him what he meant, but glad you hadn’t, he asked, “Soonho said that you’re riding with them.”

Your mind went blank, nothing but static and grey as you tried to figure out what he could possibly be getting at. Tilting your head as you tried to be a step ahead of him for once, you said, “Yup, they’re picking me up in the morning.”

His hand was on your knee and you couldn’t take your eyes off it as you watched his thumb tracing a small circle, as he said, “Good. And don’t worry about too much. Just… take it all in.”

Slamming your laptop shut as your mind gave you a visual of exactly how you could ‘take it all in’. You stood up awkwardly, your knees sore from sitting for so long, and said, “I plan on it. I better get going.”

“How about I walk you home again?” he asked as he stood and tried to pack up as fast as you.

Shouldering your bag, and trying to think of a valid excuse that was more than it wasn’t a good idea, because that would require even more explanation, and you realized you had nothing. Chewing on your bottom lip, you thought on how to word what you needed to say so you didn’t piss him off. Jiyong was your boss now, and you needed to be careful, “You don’t need to.”

He laughed as he walked to the door, “It’s fine, Y/N, besides, I don’t like you walking home at night. It worries me.”

_Shit_ , you were mad as hell that you couldn’t shoot down his entirely valid concern about safety. No one liked that you insisted on walking rather than taking a cab, or even getting your driver’s license, and now your refusal was coming back with a vengeance. You weren’t mad at him, quite the opposite, and that’s why you knew this was a bad idea. The more time you spent in his company, the more your self control would deteriorate until you were nothing but a writhing mess on the floor begging to  _take it all in_.

The usual trip to the elevator wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but he still stood too close to you. Feeling his arm brush against yours was more than you thought you could take. The brief contact sent a jolt through your body that made your face flush. Once out of the elevator and walking toward the main entrance, you figured it would be like the night before.

The two of you would walk in silence, he would have a hat and surgical mask on and when you got to your apartment, he’d say goodbye and get into the car. That had been the strangest part of last night, his car was already at your place, waiting for him. You dismissed it though, just like him having your cell number; of course he had your address and phone number. That made more sense considering you were now his employee.

Tonight was different. Jiyong slipped on his hat and mask before you left the building, but he was talkative, well, he asked a few questions. Considering how quiet he had been, this was a stark contrast. “Why music?” he asked, with only two blocks to go.

“I like it,” you replied, and you weren’t lying, you just weren’t going into detail. It wasn’t pertinent to your job that he understand why, just that you knew what you were doing.

Putting his arm around your shoulder so he could speak more easily, he elaborated, “I mean, why do you spend almost every waking moment either working on music or thinking about it?”

“Same reason most people in the industry do, I  _really_ like music,” you explained, knowing that in a little over a block, you’d be able to run and hide in your apartment.

Jiyong sighed, knowing he wouldn’t get anything else on that line of questioning, he asked a different one that he thought he knew the answer to, “Do you play any instruments?”

“Yes,” you said, and knowing that he’d follow it up with more questions, you tried to cut him off, “The cello. Since I was 7.”

“Wow,” Jiyong said, but he didn’t sound like he was pretending to be impressed, at least that’s what you hoped when he followed it up with, “That’s almost as long as I’ve been doing this.”

Without warning, your inner fangirl took over, “Longer actually, by about 5 years.”

His arm got tighter around your shoulders and you could see your door. You were so close to getting away from him before this got worse, but then he said, “I’d love to hear you play some time.” He leaned close, the cloth of his mask pressing against your cheek as he whispered, “And I knew you were a fan.”

_Hot mother of fuck_ , you thought as your eyes went wide and you pulled away from him. Making sure to put a few steps between you as you picked up your pace, only half a block to go. Turning to the side as you walked, so he could hear you talking, you said in a rush, “I haven’t played in years and I have to go, laundry and dishes, and I need to shower. See you tomorrow, thanks for walking me!”

Jiyong watched you run into the building, but he wasn’t worried. The tension between you was excruciating, and he loved it. He knew you were a fan, he’d known since before he started working with you, but now it mattered. The fact that you knew when he had started training made him think that your interest in him wasn’t based on his looks, and that was another point in your favor. He would be the first to say that looks were important, but they weren’t everything. Anyone could be attractive, but they needed substance to back it up, otherwise they were just a pretty face.

* * *

“Good morning, Y/N,” Soonho said as you got into the backseat of the car.

Buckling your seat belt and putting your bag on your lap, you realized that you were overdressed. The past month had been relaxing, wearing comfortable clothes and not doing much with your makeup, but today you had to meet new people, and go to your first meeting with Soonho as part of Jiyong’s staff, you thought you had to look the part. Apparently the one thing you had missed in all the time you spent reviewing was the dress code. Soonho gave you a once over and frowned, which immediately made you feel like an idiot, as you mumbled, “Morning.”

He was on his phone before the car had pulled away from the curb, texting quickly and glancing back at you a few times. The last time he looked back, you saw his eyes land on your shoes and he groaned. Twisting in his chair to properly look at you while he spoke, “Y/N, you’re going to need to change, what size shoes do you wear?”

You told him your shoe size and asked, “Why do I need to change?”

Soonho chuckled, “You are going to be so uncomfortable, you look fantastic, don’t get me wrong. It’s nice to know that you pull yourself together, but we need to blend in.”

Of course, you had wanted to come off as professional, and considering that Jiyong had high standards when it came to how he dressed, you had assumed and successfully made an ass of yourself. There were worse mistakes, and you knew that, but this was literally the first thing you had done on your first day and it was wrong. In addition to that, you had inconvenienced Soonho, which was the opposite of what you wanted to do. All confidence gone, you didn’t have it in you to try to make small talk for the rest of the drive.

* * *

Soonho was out of the car and in the building before the car was in park, and by the time you were walking in he was dragging you to the bathroom. Thrusting a bag to your chest and ushering you through the door, he said, “Change fast, I’m waiting.”

Without any consideration to the outfit you had chosen or modesty, you stripped down to your panties and bra. Pulling out the first item from the bag, you were pleased to see a pair of black leggings. Once they were on you grabbed a black tank top, which you put on and went back to the bag. There was a long black sweater and a pair of black running shoes. Shoving your old clothes back into the bag, you didn’t bother checking the mirror before you were back out of the bathroom.

“I like you,” Soonho said as he gave you a once over and reached out to fix your hair, “But we’re late.”

You and Soonho had ran to the room, but no one was there when you arrived. He proceeded to rattle off a list of things that you and the other two people that had followed you needed to get done before the meeting started. You hadn’t met the other two before, but they seemed to know what they were doing and that’s when you noticed something. All of you, including Soonho, were wearing all black. Once the preparations were complete, you stood and waited for people to arrive, knowing that Jiyong would be the last to show.

Ten minutes later, you were sat next to Soonho in a large conference room listening to him talk about the next few weeks leading up to the completion of the music video. Unlike the recording and writing of music, Jiyong was quiet in the beginning and let his manager do the talking. Soonho was well versed in what his client wanted and by the time Jiyong started talking, it was clear that he already had the video planned out in his head. He was sitting on the other side of Soonho, something you had purposely done to keep as much distance between you as possible. The crush, if you had to call it anything that’s what it was, only got worse with proximity.  

* * *

Closing your laptop as everyone left, you felt less disoriented, even though the meeting had gone on for hours. The meeting, much like recording and composing, had been easy to follow, which surprised you. You hadn’t thought that music videos were so similar to what you normally did, granted the amount of detail and preparations that still needed to be worked on was considerable, but it was manageable. Walking out of the conference room and letting Soonho and Jiyong talk, you figured you might be able to go home and get some work done in relative peace. It wasn’t until you realized that Jiyong was joining the rest of you, that your evening took a sharp turn.

You followed Soonho, as you would become accustom to doing, to the black SUV that you arrived in that morning and climbed in the back seat. While the others got in, you pulled your phone out to check emails and didn’t notice the person who sat next to you, until you felt them lean over too close and whisper, “What do you think?”

Yelping in surprise and dropping your phone, you glared at Jiyong. “You need a bell,” you hissed while bending over to pick up your phone.

He laughed as he spread out, sitting in the middle of the backseat with his arms across the back of the seat, he tilted his head and reiterated his question, “C’mon, what do you think about the video?”

You thought for a moment, not about the concept but about keeping your head with him so close, “It’s dark, but I like it. Some of the visuals will be difficult to accomplish but I think they’ll go with the song.”

“You don’t think it’s strange?” he asked, and you could see what had to be worry flit across his face.

Dismissing the momentary break in his facade, you shook your head, “No, I think it suits you. It’s avante garde, which is your appeal.”

“My appeal?” he asked, a smile lifting the corner of his lips and you felt yourself blush.

“Quit acting like you don’t know,” you said quietly as you looked out the window and away from from him. You didn’t notice that he had taken at least one of his arms down until you felt his hand, warm and gentle settle just above your knee. Keeping your head still but glaring at his hand out of the corner of your eye, you whispered, “Please don’t.”

He leaned back, looking ahead as he pulled out his phone, but didn’t move his hand. You tried to ignore him, and when Soonho turned around in the passenger seat to ask about dinner plans, you felt your phone vibrate in your hand. “I’m fine with anything,” you said as you unlocked your phone and saw you had a text… from Jiyong.

sYou locked your phone. There wasn’t a good answer for that even though you knew he had seen you check it. He had to know this was a bad idea or at least that you weren’t comfortable. Although, when you thought about it, you weren’t uncomfortable. What put you off the whole idea, aside from flushing your career down the toilet, was rejection. You were not his type. He dated models, actresses, other idols, and you weren’t anything like any of them.

Again, your phone vibrated, and you knew better than to check it, but you couldn’t stop yourself. The idea that it might be someone besides Jiyong forced your hand.

You looked over at him and he looked passive, completely unaffected by you or what was going on, and you caved.

Seeing him open your message was torture. His face gave nothing away as he typed out his reply. Even though you could easily turn your head to see what he was typing, you didn’t. This time when your phone vibrated, you waited. The drive to the restaurant was almost done and you still hadn’t checked the message. Jiyong was stoic next to you, but seemed to break as the car parked and everyone started getting out.

Before you could climb out, he leaned close, his lips against your ear as he whispered, “Meet me in the bathroom after everyone orders.”

Your face felt like it was glowing red as you stepped out of the car and followed the rest into the restaurant. Taking a seat next to Soonho, you realized you should have waited as Jiyong took the seat on your other side. You didn’t care about food, all you wanted to do was get away from him, and the last thing you were going to do was meet him in the bathroom. That only meant one thing and you knew you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself. Before the waiter came to take your orders, you quickly glanced at your phone and thought you were going to faint.

You didn’t notice that it was your turn to order until Soonho nudged you. Ordering a water and your dinner, you had to text him back before he left. Back to your phone while you still had time, you quickly replied, hoping that he wouldn’t press you to talk in private.

That had to be good enough for now. Hopefully he’d realize you were a lost cause and give up, there were plenty of other women that he could have. You’re only appeal, as far as you could tell, was the fact that you refused him but seemed interested. Feeling your heart sink at the loss of something you never had to begin with, you waited until everyone had ordered.

Jiyong reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone as everyone else started to talk, about personal things, the music video, and other things. You tried to relax and not let your feelings show on your face, even though part of you wanted to cry. Nothing had happened, but no matter how many times you reminded yourself, this still hurt. You had enjoyed the attention, and knowing that it was over, that you had to push him away was painful. You didn’t want to check your phone when you felt it go off in your lap, but you knew you had to, get the worst over with, like ripping off a bandaid.

_He knows too much_ , you thought as a bottle of wine was brought to the table. Soonho poured a glass for everyone, and they toasted you, which had been unexpected. You should have expected it, being that you had made it through your first day, but you didn’t think any of them would have cared. As long as you didn’t fuck anything up or get in the way, the day should have gone unnoticed. Thanking them and taking a sip, the urge to smoke gripped you and made Jiyong’s offer more appealing than ever.  

When he stood, you barely had the strength to resist, but you did. It was a strange thing to be proud of, but there you were: proud to have turned down G Dragon. That thought made you feel worse, and you began to doubt yourself. The idea that he had wanted to let you know that nothing was going on popped into your head, and you couldn’t let it go. If that’s what he needed to tell you, then you needed to hear it so you could stop thinking about it, grieve, and move on.

A minute after he left to smoke, you got up, saying you needed to go to the bathroom. “Don’t take too long,” Soonho said as you walked away. Soonho was the kind of guy you saw yourself with. He was well put together, kind, and above all else not Jiyong. Walking away from the bathrooms once you were out of sight of the table, you went outside. When you didn’t see Jiyong, you realized that he couldn’t just stand out front and smoke like everyone else. Sending him a text to see where he was, you waited only a few seconds before he replied.

Before you were able to turn the corner, you could smell the smoke and hoped he wouldn’t mind giving you one of his cigarettes. His back was to you, and you tried to keep your voice down just in case as you approached him, “Hey, do you mind if I get one of those from you?”

When he didn’t turn around, you stood next to him, and he had his arm around you, turning you so you were in front of him. His head was low as he took a long drag and dug around in his jacket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Holding them out to you, he looked up and you backtracked. In the relative privacy of the alley, you wanted him, more than you had ever wanted anyone. In the handful of times you had been close to breaking down, you had never felt this desperate need to be with someone.

As you took the pack and opened it, he said, “You’re avoiding me.”

No getting around this then. You lit the cigarette and handed him back the pack and lighter. Taking your time to enjoy it, you couldn’t think of what to say, so you settled on the truth, “Yes.”

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked, and he was sincere.

You met his eyes and felt awful, even though you had good reasons, or you thought you did. Shaking your head, you muttered, “You didn’t do anything wrong, I just can’t.”

“Can’t,” he said, inhaling deeply from his cigarette and exhaling as he finished, “Or won’t.”

Hating how weak and feeble your voice sounded, you replied and avoided his gaze, “Can’t.” Part of you, a very stupid and hopeful part, wanted to tell him the full truth. You were terrified that he’d hurt you, that he’d use you, that you’d lose your job, but mostly you were scared shitless that you’d lose focus. For over fifteen years you had worked toward your goal, and thinking of all that work wasted because of some guy made you sick.

You were surprised when you heard him laugh as he finished his cigarette. He put it out and tossed the butt into a dumpster, before taking a step toward you. Pushing your body against the wall, his forearm resting against the bricks just next to your head as his other hand cupped your cheek. He ran his thumb along your bottom lip before pushing his hand into your hair and forcing you to look up at him.

“You are something else,” he whispered as he leaned down, resting his forehead against yours. Pulling back, he stared deep into your eyes as he said ominously, “Tell me, right now, that you want me to stop, and I’ll never-”

“Don’t,” you said, cutting him off and unsure where your head was at. Surrounded by him, his body, his cologne, and lost in his eyes, which were intense and stunning; you didn’t stand a chance.

As if he knew he had the upper hand, and that he’d never lost it, he smirked down at you, “That’s what I thought.” He plucked the cigarette out from between your fingers and ditched it for you, “Let’s get back inside, Soonho will start to worry.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of dinner, as well as your evening, was uneventful. Once you were back home and away from Jiyong, you were able to truly suffer. Unable to believe that you goaded him, encouraged his behavior was too much. You considered quitting for half a second, but that wasn’t a reasonable reaction. Although nothing that was happening was reasonable.

The rest of dinner, as well as your evening, was uneventful. Once you were back home and away from Jiyong, you were able to truly suffer. Unable to believe that you goaded him, encouraged his behavior was too much. You considered quitting for half a second, but that wasn’t a reasonable reaction. Although nothing that was happening was reasonable.

That night, Jiyong was all you could think about, and he haunted your dreams. By far the filthiest, sexually repressed dream you’d ever had. You woke up two hours early, panting and needing more. Trying to fall back asleep, you ended up laying in bed, wide awake and desperate for him until your alarm went off.

Taking your shower and getting ready, this time not overdressing, you waited for Soonho to text you when they were outside. Another meeting that would take all day, but you were sure you could stay away from Jiyong, for the most part. As that thought comforted you and helped ease the ache between your legs, your phone buzzed and you headed out to the car.

* * *

Just before lunch and you were losing your mind. Jiyong had behaved himself after the moment of truth in the alley last night, but he was still pushing your limits since he arrived. Again, he was the last to show, and you had made sure you were sitting between Soonho and someone else. He hadn’t come near you, but ended up sitting across from you. When you were trying to avoid looking at him, which was an impossibility, you were ignoring him staring at you.

You hoped no one else had noticed, you thought he was being too obvious and that at least Soonho would have guessed something was going on by now. To your great surprise, everyone else seemed to be engrossed in prep work, ignoring what was happening between you and Jiyong. Of course, he seemed fine while he worked and stared at you. He didn’t give anything away, it was on you to keep it together.

Soonho stood up and cracked his neck, “Time for lunch.”

The rest agreed, but instead of ordering in and continuing to work, work stopped and the rest began to chat idly. Sitting back and taking it in, you continued avoiding Jiyong, until he was standing next to you and leaning between you and Soonho, “While we wait, I’m going to steal her.”

Glancing at you, Soonho asked, “For what? We’re taking a break, you should relax.”

“It’s for the album,” Jiyong said, pointing to your laptop, “Grab it, let’s go find somewhere quiet.”

Reluctantly, you closed your laptop and followed him out of the room. He seemed unable to decide on a room, doubling back to one you had passed before ushering you in. Closing the door behind him as you set your laptop on the table and opened it, you asked, “What do you want to work- hey!”

He closed your laptop slowly, and sat between you and the table, stretching his legs out and resting his palms on the table. As you fought against looking up at him, you noticed the bulge in his pants and felt yourself blush, dropping your eyes to your hands in your lap. Gently, he placed two fingers under your chin and lifted your head, “Stand up.”

You’d never heard him sound like that, his voice was deeper than normal, but that wasn’t what had you obeying him without a second thought. He was confident, but not cocky as he blatantly looked you up and down before pulling you close, your hand landing on his chest so you didn’t fall. Holding back the whimper that threatened to give away how weak you were around him, you whispered, “Ji, we can’t…”

Pushing away from the table and taking a step closer as you backed up, he continued to walk until you were against the wall before he spoke, “Why not?”

He pressed himself against you, resting his head against yours and you were lost. Running on a need that you could never explain, you rested your hands on his hips for a moment before gripping his belt and pulling him closer. You couldn’t speak, but found you weren’t scared to look up at him as he lifted his head.

For a moment you stared up at him, his eyes darting between yours, trying to read you, when he snapped. One of his hands was in your hair, pulling your head back and the other was on your waist as he hissed, “Tell me you want me.”

“I want you,” you breathed out.

His body rolled against yours as he kissed you, running his tongue along your bottom lip. Your mouth opened automatically as you gripped his belt tight, and he growled. Jiyong took complete control, his tongue coaxing yours, and you mimicked his actions up until you felt his hand drifting down your side. Your mind went blank as his hand slid between your thighs and cupped your sex. He pulled his lips away from yours and said barely louder than a whisper, “Say it again.”

Before you had time to respond, he was running his fingers along your cunt, teasing you, and you gasped, “I want you, Ji…  _please_ …”

“Only because you asked so nice,” he cooed as he dragged his hand away from where you needed him. As you whined, he lifted your shirt and pushed his hand into your leggings, then your panties. He sighed when he felt how wet you were, resting his head on yours, “We only have a few minutes.”

All reservations gone, at least for the moment, you gripped the back of his head and pulled him into a kiss. When he started to circle your clit, you felt like you were losing your mind, biting his bottom lip, hard. He leaned back when you released his lip, and looked at you wide-eyed. You were a mess, panting and needing so much more than time allowed, but when you felt your phone buzzing in your pocket, you regained some of your senses.

Taking a deep breath and stepping away from him as you pulled his hand out of your pants, you grabbed your phone. It was Soonho, sending a text to let you know that lunch had arrived. When you looked up to tell Jiyong, you felt like you were going to melt into the carpet. As if he had waited for you to look at him, he slowly put the two fingers he had been using to tease you between his lips. Taking his time, he sucked on them until they were clean, removing his fingers but never taking his eyes off you.

With no time to adjust to what had happened, you walked back to the conference room, Jiyong behind you. Sitting down, you started eating as your mind attempted to cope. Aside from the obvious, you needed to tell him as soon as possible that you were a virgin. If you didn’t, you know you’d end up going further than you were ready to do, but even you knew that was a lie.

Watching Jiyong lick his fingers had confirmed one thing for you: you wanted to fuck him. You didn’t want to have some magical first time, you didn’t want romance, you wanted him to ruin you. But that wasn’t possible. You knew you were being pessimistic, but you couldn’t help but worry that once you told him that you’d never had sex that he would run. You didn’t want to burden him with that, but you didn’t know how to tell him, or when.

By evening, you were certain that what had happened before lunch was a hallucination. Jiyong didn’t seem distracted whatsoever, he seemed normal and focused on work. When it was clear that it was time to call it for the day, Jiyong sat back and took out his phone. You were packing up your stuff and saying goodbye, when you felt your phone in your pocket. Shooting him a warning glance, he cocked an eyebrow and put his phone away.

“Can I get a ride with you guys?” Jiyong asked as he got up and stood next to Soonho.

Shrugging as he watched the others leave, “Sure, we can drop you off first.”

“Only one stop, Y/N and I are going to work on the album,” Jiyong said, his confidence and nonchalance about it made it seem so innocent, like you were actually going to work.

Quickly pulling out your phone and checking the text, you immediately glared at him after reading it.

You were dumbfounded, barely noticing that you were walking out to the car until you had to get in, completely distracted by what you needed to do. Locking and unlocking your phone as you tried to think how to tell him before you got to his apartment, while trying to not be distracted by the fact that you would be going to  _his_ apartment. Thankfully you were sitting in the middle row in two separate seats, so he couldn’t see what you were doing on your phone without making it obvious.

Before you knew it, the car was pulling into a parking garage just outside an elevator, and Soonho and the driver were saying goodbye. Jiyong said something about calling a car later to pick you up, and then you were alone with him.  _Damn elevators_ , you thought as you followed him inside and he pushed one of the buttons.

Still holding your phone, desperately trying to find the courage to at least text him what you needed to say. You gave up on the wording, you just needed to get it out before it was too late. The elevator doors opened and you followed him, realizing that you were quickly running out of time, but still unable to get the words out. At this point, you were tempted to just yell it at him and run.

He unlocked his door and held it open, allowing you to walk in ahead of him. You weren’t three steps inside before the door was closed and he was on you again. Backing you into the wall again, his lips on your neck for a moment before he whispered, “Is it weird that I missed you? We spent all day together.”

You bit your lip, the words on the tip of your tongue, begging to be said, but you couldn’t. With his hands on you, holding you in place, you gave in and ignored the voice in your head that was screaming at you. Jiyong silenced that nagging voice easily, his hand in your hair again, tugging at it for a moment before he kissed you.

Resting his forehead against yours, he asked, “If you don’t want to, you have to tell me.”

That obnoxious voice was back, but was muted for good when you opened your eyes. It didn’t matter that you hadn’t done this before, you wanted to, badly. There were worse ways to go about this, and as you had been telling anyone who found out, being a virgin wasn’t a big deal. Most everyone had sex, and it didn’t change you. Holding his gaze, you said, surprising even yourself with how confident you sounded, “I want to.”

That smile, only half a smile and the crease between his eyebrows from scrunching his nose, would be your downfall. He bit his bottom lip before pressing his body against yours, “Bite me again.”

Letting go was easier this time, as your hand found the back of his head and pulled his face toward yours. It didn’t take long before you were losing any sense of decency. When you felt his hand between your legs, you lifted a leg and hooked it over his hip, giving him easier access. This only lasted a few minutes, as he found out how excited you were.

He took a step back from you, enjoying the whining sound you made, then he turned you around and ground agaisnt your ass. Your back arched, needing to feel more of him as he wrapped an arm around your waist and slid his hand into your leggings. He did what he had done earlier, teasing you with his fingertips, but only for a moment. Your vision went hazy when you felt him push a finger inside you.

All your life you had been told that all of this would hurt at first, so far, that was a lie. You moaned as he pushed another finger inside you. He adjusted his stance so he could rut against you and whisper, “What do you want, kitten?”

You lost all sense of yourself as what had to be an orgasm built. This wasn’t your first, not by a long shot, but this was more intense than any you had been able to do yourself. You moaned and pushed back against him, but he wasn’t going to do anything else until you said it. Feeling his fingers moving in and out at a steady pace, then curling and pressing on something inside you was all you needed. Reaching behind you and finding his cock, you palmed him over his pants as you moaned, “I want you… I need you…”

He pulled your leggings down over your ass and groaned. You could hear him unbuckling his belt and at the metallic sound of the buckle, something fell to the floor and you heard a tearing sound. Then you felt him press his body against yours, but this time it was different. You could feel his skin against yours, as he said, “Spread your legs for me.”

Nothing could have stopped you from obeying him. He had an arm around your waist again, but instead of toying with you like he had been, you felt him spreading your lips open. You were on edge, you needed him inside you, and when you felt what had to be the head of his dick against your entrance, you keened and arched your back as far as you could.

He slid his cock between your folds, before lining himself up, “Oh shit…” he hissed, as he started to carefully push into you.

“Oh,” you sighed. There was no pain, you had honestly expected pain, at least something, but there was only that need for more. The further he went, the better it felt. There was a stretching sensation, almost a burn, but it was intoxicating. You wanted to push back against him, but couldn’t move.

“I need to feel you cum,” he said once he bottomed out. One hand between your legs, two fingers gently pressing against your clit, while his other hand was on your hip. He started to pull back and asked, “Can you do that for me, kitten?”

“Oh my God,” you moaned, unable to answer his question,

You could almost hear that he was grinning, “Feel good?” Nodding emphatically as he thrust into you, he leaned close, “Do you need more?”

“Please,” you begged, knowing that if he didn’t move more you were going to lose your mind.

Without another word, he was buried deep inside you and your mouth fell open. Grinding against you, he waited until you began to whine again before shallowly pistoning his hips. When you began to grow louder, begging him for more, he gave in.

He stood straight, both hands on your hips as you leaned against the wall, and he pulled back one last time before slamming his hips against yours. Your shriek had him worried, until you started to beg like he’d never heard anyone before, “Please do it again, oh fuck, Jiyong, please, fuck me hard, please don’t- Ah!”

He didn’t hesitate after that, hammering his hips against yours, each time your bodies met you’d give a satisfying gasp that drove him further. You could feel your orgasm building and building, not knowing when it would finally break, until Jiyong slapped your ass.

“Holy fuck!” you shouted as you nearly doubled over.

Jiyong held your hips in place as your body contracted sharply. You didn’t know how long you were standing, just a few feet from his door, leaning against the wall and trying to not collapse, but it didn’t matter. As your high from the best orgasm you had had to date began to recede, reality started to seep in.

He pulled out, running his hand along your side, then he was gone. You felt empty and it wasn’t just from the loss of his cock or touch. It was like he took something and you didn’t know what it was or how to get it back, but it was gone. There was a void opening up inside you, and you needed it to stop.

Still facing the wall, you bent and pulled up your leggings and panties, as you fought back tears. You were so confused as to what was going on, but you knew you needed to leave immediately. Taking a few deep breaths to calm down, you heard him coming back to where you were and turned around.

“I thought we could-” he started, but you cut him off.

“I have to go.”

You were out the door before he could even comprehend what you had said. He ran down the hall, barefoot and without his shirt, “Y/N? What’s wrong?”

Turning to face him as the elevator doors opened, you said in a rush, “I can’t.. I never… I-.”

He stood outside for a moment before the doors closed. Tears were falling before you realized it, and you could hear him banging his fists against doors as the elevator sped to the ground floor. By the time you got outside, your phone was buzzing, but you ignored it.

The one observable fact that you had been so certain of, that having sex didn’t change you, didn’t apply to you. Whatever happened up there had changed you for the worse. You didn’t feel used, you weren’t mad, you were empty. You felt like you had been hollowed out and there was no going back to who you used to be.

When you finally calmed down and began to drift asleep, you had come to a decision. The last few hours had been the worst you’d ever experienced, but you were finally going numb. Before you had gotten home you had turned your phone off after sending a text to Soonho.

Not waiting for him to reply, you got home as quick as you could manage. You didn’t want anything to do with Jiyong or anyone like him. Kwon Jiyong and what had happened wasn’t the problem, it’s how it made you feel. Yes, you had enjoyed having sex with him, never doubted that, but that sudden loss was too much. You were accountable for your own actions, and what had happened would never happen again, you wouldn’t let it.

The idea of dating and sex had been unappealing at first, but now it was repulsive, and that’s when it clicked: you were never going to let another person get close to you again. Anything to avoid feeling this emptiness again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As your day passed, you knew what had gone wrong. You were an analytical person, every decision planned out and considered before you acted. But then Jiyong got too close and all your logic and sense was replaced by a nearly animalistic drive. Nothing about how he made you feel was good for you, but you knew you weren’t going to quit your job. Today was the only day you were going to let yourself wallow in self-pity. Tomorrow you would wake up and go to work like nothing had happened.

As your day passed, you knew what had gone wrong. You were an analytical person, every decision planned out and considered before you acted. But then Jiyong got too close and all your logic and sense was replaced by a nearly animalistic drive. Nothing about how he made you feel was good for you, but you knew you weren’t going to quit your job. Today was the only day you were going to let yourself wallow in self-pity. Tomorrow you would wake up and go to work like nothing had happened.

Getting ready to go to bed, finally feeling like yourself again, you turned your phone back on. As soon as the home screen showed up, your text alerts and missed calls bombarded you. You had two from Soonho, who hoped you’d feel better soon and wanted to know if you were going to make it tomorrow, a few random texts from friends, and almost a hundred from Jiyong.

You stared at your notifications, unsure if you should read his messages or not. Knowing that he may have said some terrible things or even fired you, it was unavoidable.

_Last night…_

  
  
  


_This morning…_

_Afternoon…_

_Just a few hours ago…_

While you read, he sent more, and he called twice. You couldn’t deny that he wasn’t diligent or sincere. You wanted to feel bad, but knew that would only drag this out and you couldn’t do it. There wasn’t a logical reason for not wanting him, but you didn’t need one. Something about Jiyong scared you, and you wanted to get as far away from whatever that was. You ignored his calls and read the texts he had sent while you kept reading.

Your text was read right away, but he didn’t text back. He didn’t call. At least he listened to you was your only comforting thought. You knew you were doing the right thing, for both of you, but it hurt. Putting your phone on silent, you set it on your nightstand and tried to get some sleep.

* * *

“Feeling better?” Soonho asked as you got into the car the next morning.

Buckling your seatbelt, you replied, “Much, I’m sorry about yesterday.”

He turned around in his seat, and said pointedly, “Don’t worry about it, as long as you don’t make it a habit.”

You knew he was implying that if your illness was drinking related or something like it, that they wouldn’t stand for it. Luckily you were rarely sick, so you weren’t worried about missing anymore work.

The drive was pleasant, making small talk with everyone and ignoring the growing dread. Seeing Jiyong again would be uncomfortable, but you couldn’t avoid this forever. You hadn’t reread his texts, once was more than enough, and he had stopped. Soonho seemed distracted, looking at his phone every other minute until the car parked and everyone got out.

Walking behind the rest, you did your best to keep your head. Nothing would give away what had happened more than your reaction to Jiyong. You knew that you weren’t going anywhere, so what had happened would have to be something that was forgotten. Unable to even think the words, it would be impossible to talk to Jiyong about it, but you hoped that he would move on. Assuming that he had gotten what he wanted but was thrown by your reaction and abrupt confession, you figured that he would get over it quickly. There was no way you were ever going to get over having sex with him, but you were going to act like you did.

As everyone took their seats and waited for others to arrive, you pulled out your laptop and started working. There was still so much for you to learn and you hadn’t done anything the day before. You didn’t notice that everyone was in the room until Soonho started talking to the group. When you looked up, you were met with Jiyong averting his eyes, but for a split second, he was staring at you.

You had expected this. He probably wasn’t used to getting rejected, and you had done just that. Jiyong would get over this, then you would have to adjust to what he moved on to, or rather,  _who_ he moved on to. That realization stung and you threw yourself into the conversation about the production schedule. Taking detailed notes and doing your best to not look at Jiyong.

By the end of the day, you were mentally exhausted. Keeping your mind occupied so you didn’t get distracted by Jiyong wasn’t as easy as you had hoped. Normally, when you put your mind to something, that was all you saw. You were capable of throwing yourself into a project, ignoring all external activity until you were done, but not today. Chalking it up to the instability of the last day and a half, you were going to give it time. You knew expecting to be fine so soon was unrealistic. Walking toward the car, you were excited to go home and get to bed.

* * *

The look on her face, it’s all he could think about. The disgust and shame as the elevator doors closed and she was gone. Jiyong couldn’t deal with this. He knew he had gone too far but he couldn’t imagine that he had done something  _that_ wrong. The doubt crept in, and he needed to talk to her, he needed to know why.

Texting her and trying to call, but getting nothing back, by 2am, he gave up and fell asleep. He woke up and there was nothing. Not a word from her. He almost ignored Soonho’s text, but her name was in the preview and he read it quickly.

Jiyong tried calling, but it went straight to voicemail, and it wasn’t even her voice. Just the electronic voice that rattled off her phone number. He didn’t leave her a message, preferring to text and he noticed that she hadn’t read any of his texts.

The idea that she was more than mad at him, that this was more than he thought it was, that she might have done something crossed his mind. He tried to ignore these thoughts, getting in his car and sending her a few more texts, but he couldn’t. Part of him hated that he didn’t ask his driver to take her to her apartment, but he couldn’t do that either.

Again, he was haunted by that look on your face, and his concern grew. He finally caved, asking Soonho when you had sent him the message. He must have seen the concern on Jiyong’s face, because Soonho offered to check on Y/N if he didn’t hear from her.

Jiyong barely noticed when the day came to an end. So fixated on his phone and the fact that your phone was still off and you still hadn’t read any messages, while his mind provided him with a plethora of ideas of what you could be doing. He got back into the back of the car, and continued his cell phone vigil, waiting for any sign of life from you.

Grabbing a bottle of whiskey, he went to his room and continued waiting. He sent two more messages, then saw your icon appear below them. You were reading them, and he panicked. He didn’t remember half of what he had sent you, it was more a stream of consciousness than actual texts. After a minute, he wasn’t able to restrain himself, calling you twice, but both calls went to voicemail after a ring or two.

He sent his last message, then saw that you were typing. Jiyong was terrified, he didn’t know how you were going to react. He wanted an explanation, he wanted to know you were okay, he wanted to see you, he wanted to hear you, but your message was worse than the day of waiting.

Just two words after 24 hours of silence crushed him. It wasn’t the two shots of whiskey that he had done leading up to this that made him emotional, but that’s what he chose to believe. He’d ruined everything. His eyes stung and he gave in, letting the misery that he had held off take over.

He didn’t remember falling asleep, but he did remember drinking as much as he could. Kicking the empty bottle as he got out of bed the next morning, the emptiness that had been his constant companion for so long was back. Once he was ready for the day and in the car, he checked his phone. Momentarily the bleakness that had been what he expected from the day lifted.

Soonho’s messages had seemed encouraging, until Jiyong thought about them. Getting lost in his thoughts, his phone vibrated in his hand and he looked to see another message.

Grimacing, Jiyong lied. He hated telling Soonho that he was fine when he wasn’t, but what else was he supposed to do, tell the truth? That wouldn’t go over well and it would only fuel Soonho’s insistence that Jiyong had terrible taste in women. He knew he did, but that’s what had made you so appealing. You weren’t like the others.

By the time Jiyong had arrived at the meeting, Soonho had run the gambat with trying to figure out what was wrong. All that was forgotten when he walked into the room and saw you already hard at work. You did look fine and he couldn’t take his eyes off you. He’d admired how hard you worked since the first time he met you, and just seeing you like this was comforting.

He ignored Soonho as he spoke, unable to really think about anything but you, until you looked up. For a fraction of a second, your eyes met and he knew it was wrong. You had asked for one thing: for him to stop. That’s what he would do, but it was asking more than he thought he was capable of.

The day went on and he felt invisible. You didn’t speak directly to him, you didn’t look at him again, and you kept close to the group. No one else seemed to notice this, and that was one thing Jiyong was thankful for. He didn’t want anyone to know.

Leaving after everyone else, he was back in the car and staring at his phone. He didn’t know what to do. All he wanted was to talk to you, but he couldn’t. Spending his night alone and with another bottle of whiskey, he didn’t know if he was going to ever get over you. This was so different than previous failed attempts at relationships. You didn’t use him, he felt like he had used you. You weren’t boring, he’d never been more curious about what someone else was thinking. But most importantly, he wished he could go back and fix what he had done wrong.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the end of the next week, things seemed to improve, but you were still miserable. There was no telling how much longer you’d feel like you were punishing yourself for doing the right thing, but you knew you couldn’t go back on your decision. Whatever there was between you and Jiyong wasn’t good for either of you, and he had to know that. He had done what you asked, keeping his distance, no more texts, no more calls. You did your best to keep away from him, until Friday evening.

By the end of the next week, things seemed to improve, but you were still miserable. There was no telling how much longer you’d feel like you were punishing yourself for doing the right thing, but you knew you couldn’t go back on your decision. Whatever there was between you and Jiyong wasn’t good for either of you, and he had to know that. He had done what you asked, keeping his distance, no more texts, no more calls. You did your best to keep away from him, until Friday evening.

Production for the music video was in full swing, and all you could do was sit back and watch. As you did your best to not get in the way or ask too many stupid questions, Soonho dragged you away without a word. The grip he had on your arm was firm but not painful, thought it was a little unnerving seeing him like this.

Stopping outside, he looked around before he asked, “Do you know what’s going on with Ji?”

“No,” you said, hoping that if there was something wrong it had nothing to do with you.

Soonho took a deep breath before he unloaded on you, “He has been acting… off, for the last two weeks. I have tried to get him to talk about it, but he just says he’s ‘fine’ and brushes me off. You two seemed close, he likes you, I thought he may have said something or maybe you had noticed something.”

He was worried, genuinely worried, about Jiyong, and hearing the timeline made you uncomfortable. Could you really have done damage by not talking to him? That wasn’t possible. He had tons of friends, people to talk to, and he had access to other women if he needed that particular outlet. You reassured yourself that you weren’t important when it came to Jiyong, you didn’t matter to him, any other mindset would only cause more damage.

After you thought for a moment, you offered, “I haven’t noticed anything, why not ask his friends, they know him better than I do.”

Chuckling, Soonho shook his head, “Yeah, tried that. He hasn’t said anything to anyone.” He seemed to think for a moment before asking hesitantly, “Do you think going out would be a good idea? Take a break from work, maybe see if Seunghyun or some of the guys would be up for that?”

“I don’t know,” you replied. That was the last thing that needed to happen, but the concern on Soonho’s face broke your resolve, “Maybe if it were just a few people…”

“Great, make the plans for tonight, I’ll let everyone else know we’re shutting down early,” and with that, Soonho had effectively turned you into a secretary.

You knew why he dumped this on you, but it was still irksome. You had all the phone numbers and like he said, you and Jiyong had seemed close. Starting a group text with Daesung, Seungri, Youngbae, and Seunghyun, you did your job.

****

Seunghyun was the first to suggest a club, so that’s what you went with. Figuring they would need a room and table service, you called and got everything sorted. Sending off a final message to give them the details, you went back inside.

Finding Soonho was easy, walking up behind him as he was talking to someone, you said, “Everything’s set for tonight, I’ll just take the train home.” He stopped mid sentence, his face blank as he turned to face you, but before he could do more than mouth wordlessly at you, you asked, “Do you mind if I head out now?”

“You aren’t coming?” Jiyong asked.

You hadn’t noticed him, and now you were debating on running or answering his question. Would it really be that bad if you went? Yes it would. You needed to get out of this, but Soonho spoke over you, “Of course she’s coming, she earned a break just like the rest of us.”

So that’s how he was selling it, as a break from work and not a ‘Let’s cheer Jiyong the fuck up’ party. It made sense, not like either of you would ever tell Jiyong about the conversation outside or the motives behind all of this.

Avoiding direct eye contact, you sighed, “I guess I can for a little while, but I’ll have to leave early. I have to work tomorrow.”

“You could take tomorrow off,” Jiyong offered, even though he knew you weren’t going to accept.

“It’s not a problem,” you said awkwardly. You needed to get out of this conversation before Soonho picked up on the obvious, if he hadn’t already. Was it too much to ask that you didn’t have to continually relive what felt like the same terrible moment over and over again? Apparently, because Jiyong took a step closer.

His voice was low as he asked, “If you insist. Do you have a few minutes to go over a few things for tomorrow before we leave?”

There was no out, not with Soonho watching, so you nodded and followed Jiyong. Earlier that week he had gotten his hair bleached platinum and it looked incredible. You had tried to ignore it, but how could you when you were walking behind him.

* * *

Jiyong stopped when he got to the office, leaving the door open and keeping his distance. This was his first chance since that night to prove that he could be professional, that he didn’t have to make working together something you would dread. There was a moment of silence, then he started, trying to keep his voice even, “Take tomorrow off. You need the break and we can work on the track Monday.”

Tomorrow, Saturday, you would both be at the studio by your apartment. There would be other people working, but it was going to be just the two of you in that small room for the whole day. Jiyong tried to resist, but he couldn’t fight it, and he looked up at you as he said, “I’m fine working by myself tomorrow, don’t worry about it.”

He didn’t know what you were thinking, your face was blank but you weren’t shying away from him. You glanced at him and sighed heavily, “Ji, I… um… Are you okay?”

Looking away before you saw something you shouldn’t, he lied, just like he had been to Soonho, “I’m fine.”

“I’m sorry,” you said, and Jiyong was staring at you intently. He didn’t say a word as he memorized the look on your face. Anything to get the last time he had talked to you out of his head, he listened as you spoke, “I should have told you sooner, but… I can’t do- I just can’t… I need to focus on my career, and it doesn’t leave room for anything else.”

Jiyong never expected to hear any sort of explanation and he didn’t know how to react. His mind reeled and he took a step closer, “You know, you have to know, I’d never make you do anything you didn’t want to.”

“I know,” you sighed, but your tone made his heart sink, “If what happened is why you’re… like this, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Bullshit,” he muttered. He had to have done something wrong. He knew the reason you retreated was more than your career, it was because he had come on too strong or done something wrong. Even though he knew he could ask, he didn’t. Talking to you again was enough for now and he refused to screw it up again. He knew he’d never have you, not like before that night, but he would take what he could get.

He watched you pull out your phone, and without looking at him again, you said, “Time to go, the car’s here.”

* * *

Climbing into the SUV and getting shoved to the far back was unpleasant, but you took a seat next to the window. Digging in your bag for your phone, just so you’d have something to do until you’d have to socialize, until you were joined in the back. Two people took the middle seats, leaving only the back open for Jiyong and Soonho. You looked up quickly to see Soonho settling in the passenger seat and then the too familiar scent of Jiyong’s cologne was all you could smell. There was no need to check who was now sitting next to you, looking over at him was asking too much.

You and Jiyong were silent in the backseat as the rest talked. As soon as he sat down you gave up on your phone, opting to stare out the window and hope that you hadn’t made things worse. His muttered curse just before you left had proven that talking about what had happened or trying to explain it was a mistake.

When he had offered you the day off in the office, it was more than that, he was trying to give you an out. Spending an entire day with him working on music would be awkward at first, but it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, or so you thought. As soon as he made the offer you thought it was because he didn’t want to be alone with you, then you saw his face. He could hide a lot of things but his eyes gave him away. Then you asked how he was, unable to stop yourself, and you knew he lied to you.

Without thinking it through, you told him as much as you could, but it didn’t help. If there had been time, he would have had questions and your resolve would have faltered. There was no denying that you had feelings for him now. This wasn’t just a crush for you, if it had ever been something that simple. When he told you that he’d never make you do anything you didn’t want to, you could feel the void that he had been slowly closing start to open again.

It had been healing, gradually closing, so that you could get through your days without complication, but after that brief conversation, you didn’t want to just ‘get through’ your days. Sitting next to him, closer than you’d been to him since that night, you wanted to take his hand, and the insane idea to send him a text popped into your head. You thought you were losing it, and nearly cried out in relief when the the car stopped.

Walking into the club through the back entrance, you could feel his eyes on you. It wasn’t unpleasant, far from it, and you knew you needed to keep your distance. You didn’t want to go out again after the mishap with Seunghyun, but here you were. Despite the circumstances, you decided that you could at least relax, maybe get to know your other coworkers a little better, but you weren’t going to drink or smoke. The best part, within two hours you knew you’d be able to sneak out without being noticed.

* * *

“C’mon,” Seunghyun said as he got up from the table.

Jiyong rolled his eyes and followed his friend outside. For the last hour and a half, Seunghyun had been trying to figure out what was going on with Jiyong to no avail. He hoped it wasn’t Sarah, again.

As they lit their cigarettes, Seunghyun said, “You don’t have to be specific, but I know that something is wrong.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jiyong replied, dropping the facade so his voice sounded distant and uninterested.

“Is it Sarah?” Seunghyun asked, but knew the answer before Jiyong spoke. The lack of reaction followed by the weak smile on Jiyong’s face told him that he hadn’t even thought of her until now.

Jiyong said, “No,” then took a long drag.

“You’re being dumb,” Seunghyun said abruptly, and his comment had the desired effect.

Facing Seunghyun, Jiyong asked, “How am I being dumb?”

“You’ve been acting strange for weeks according to Soonho, and you haven’t told anyone what’s going on,” Seunghyun said, leaning against the building, “How about… I get one guess, and if I’m right… you have to talk to me about it.”

Giving Seunghyun a sideways glance, Jiyong didn’t know if this was a good idea, but what did he really have to lose by telling him. Seunghyun had spilled his guts about you and gotten turned down in front of Jiyong. Mimicking Seunghyun’s stance, Jiyong shrugged, “Only one g-”

“Y/N,” Seunghyun cut him off, and waited for confirmation.

Jiyong had spent the last two weeks lying to everyone, and he couldn’t do it anymore. Looking up, he said reluctantly, “Y/N.”

Taking a moment to gather his thoughts, the victory of knowing Jiyong better than he should had a habit of making him cocky. Seunghyun gestured for Jiyong to follow him so they were further from the street, just in case. Once they were back far enough, closer to the door, Seunghyun asked, “What happened?”

“Stuff,” Jiyong said vaguely. He rarely talked about these things, and had no intention of letting on just how much stuff had happened.

“I can’t help you if you don’t talk.”

Jiyong didn’t know where to start, but knew he couldn’t talk about that night in any detail. Skipping over the parts that were only meant to be between him and you, he summarized as best he could for Seunghyun. Once he finished with the conversation from earlier that evening, Jiyong looked up and asked, “What?”

Seunghyun knew that something had gone on, and now he knew why you weren’t into him. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it, but Seunghyun knew he couldn’t back out just because he didn’t like what he had heard. There was one problem with Jiyong’s story, “Okay… but don’t you guys talk?”

“Um… about music?” Jiyong asked for clarification, “She doesn’t like questions and she avoids talking about personal stuff. Why?”

Seunghyun slapped Jiyong’s shoulder, “If you knew her better you probably wouldn’t be in this situation.”

“What do you mean ‘if I knew her better’?” Jiyong was getting irritated with Seunghyun, who seemed to have important information that he wasn’t sharing.

“Well, I don’t doubt that her career is why she doesn’t date, but it’s more than that,” Seunghyun explained, “You know how she got into composing, right?”

Jiyong thought for a moment, remembering one time when he walked you home and he’d gotten some information out of you, “She plays the cello…”

“ _Played_ ,” Seunghyun corrected, “She didn’t tell me much, but you need to know-”

“She told you? Why didn’t you say anything earlier?” Jiyong asked, genuinely shocked. He’d seen you and Seunghyun talking, but it was never anything serious, or so he thought.

“I am telling you now, you need to talk more, instead of shutting down,” Seunghyun warned before he pulled Jiyong in close, “I’m going to try to not embellish, she didn’t tell me some long sob story, Y/N was really… vague about all of it.”

“Just tell me,” Jiyong said, growing more impatient with each minute.

Dropping his head, Seunghyun muttered something under his breath before he started, “Over the past few weeks, she told me that she had planned on being a concert cellist, but ended up going into composing when her mom got sick.”

“Her mom is sick?” Jiyong asked, interrupting Seunghyun, but he didn’t need an answer. Seunghyun’s face was solemn, and it was obvious that your mother wasn’t sick anymore.

Seunghyun sighed, “She ended up spending a lot of time at the hospital, and you can’t play a cello in the ICU. So she ended up going into composing and musical theory. I asked her if she’d play for me, you know, one of her songs, but she hasn’t played since… well…”

“Oh,” was all Jiyong could say, until he realized that although tragic, this didn’t explain why you were so distant, “But…”

“But?”

“Why put off relationships? Why does she push people away?” Jiyong asked, finally getting the questions out that had been eating him alive for the past two weeks.

“I don’t know, but she hasn’t said anything about other family or even friends,” Seunghyun offered, he didn’t have confirmation on any of this, but he knew that it should have come up by now. No one was that good at keeping their personal life secret.

The side entrance swung open behind them, and both turned to see you walking out with your head down. Before Jiyong could stop him, Seunghyun shouted, “Y/N! Where you going?”

You turned around and nearly threw up. The only two people you have had any sort of romantic contact with, granted one more than the other, and were trying to avoid, were standing outside the door you thought would be the safest to sneak out of. Rather than try to figure out the odds of that happening, you smiled, “Just… going to… smoke.”

As if on cue, Seunghyun noticed Jiyong retreat into himself and could feel the tension between the two of you build. He couldn’t be sure how much had happened, but Seunghyun knew that whatever was going on between you and Jiyong was far from done. Deciding that the two of you needed a push in the right direction, he said, “This is awkward.”

“I’m just gonna head out, I’m tired, work tomorrow,” you said, taking a few steps away, but you were stopped by Seunghyun.

He walked toward you and put his arm around your shoulder, then lead you back toward Jiyong, “I’m gonna head back in, you should keep her company while she smokes, make sure she doesn’t leave…”

Both stared at the door that had just closed, leaving you alone with Jiyong. All you wanted was for this to stop, and you didn’t want to talk about it. You wanted to pretend it never happened. None of this was going to change how you felt or your plans.

“We don’t have to talk,” Jiyong said. Regardless of how he felt, he was still determined to keep his promise. With what Seunghyun had told him, he knew he had to let you go. He saw you differently now.

Unsure how much time he had spent thinking about what you were like or your past, he never would have guessed this, but it seemed like he should have known that something had to have happened. You were reserved, observant, and you avoided talking about anything personal. Even now, when he was doing his best to not let his gaze linger, he couldn’t deny his feelings, but he could wait. He wanted to know more about you, he wanted to know you, but that would take time.

You lit a cigarette and eased into the discomfort that seemed normal now when you were around him. After a moment you caved and looked at his face, wondering how things had gotten so bad. Just a few weeks ago, you were working with your idol and trying to learn as much as you could, but now it was all wrong. You had hoped you would have been friends, but that’s nothing more than a pipe dream.

“About tomorrow,” you started, hoping that you could get back what you wanted, “Normal time?”

Jiyong watched you carefully, he needed to be certain before he replied. He was worried that any misstep on his part would send you running again. Lifting his arm and running his fingers through his hair, he couldn’t stall any longer, “They are determined to get me drunk… maybe 8am?”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walking down the hall like you had done so many mornings before, you were surprised when the lights were on, considering it was your normal arrival time: a few minutes before 5am. Pushing the door open and seeing him at the desk was like traveling back in time. Jiyong had his headphones on and was staring intently at his laptop as you walked in and set your bag down.

Walking down the hall like you had done so many mornings before, you were surprised when the lights were on, considering it was your normal arrival time: a few minutes before 5am. Pushing the door open and seeing him at the desk was like traveling back in time. Jiyong had his headphones on and was staring intently at his laptop as you walked in and set your bag down.

Taking a deep breath while it would go unnoticed, you grabbed his coffee out of the carrier and set it next to his laptop. You had no intention of trying to sneak it to him like you had before, but you didn’t think you’d ever stop doing these sort of things. Despite what happened, you still felt you needed to get him coffee and make sure he ate. It wasn’t about work, it was personal, and it was such a small gesture, you didn’t think it would do any harm. This might even help matters, show him that you still care but that it can only go so far. You wished that you could let it all go, but after last night, you knew that it would take a long time, if you were even capable of getting over your feelings.

You had left not long after you and Jiyong went back inside. Not speaking again that night, you ended up getting to know someone else. Even though you had planned on sitting with Soonho, Daesung had occupied most of your evening. Making jokes and drinking, which you had planned to avoid, it was a pleasant change from how the past two weeks had gone. He was polite and didn’t seem like he was interested in anything more than taking some time off and joking around.

When he brought up that he was going to be back in the studio next week, which was ahead of schedule, you were excited. You hadn’t worked with him yet, and the prospect of getting to hear him sing for hours was something to look forward to. Now that you were getting to know him, you didn’t understand why he was so shy and reserved at first. Assuming that it was him keeping his distance from people who may not be around for long, you didn’t dwell on it.

It wasn’t until you got home around 11pm, that you realized how bad things were. The two brief but intense conversations with Jiyong had rekindled those feelings, while the alcohol had filled the void, making it easy to think about him without being upset. The alcohol had another noticeable effect: you were horny. You tried to remember as much as you could about that night with him while you were in bed with your hand between your legs.

You hadn’t done this in so long that your orgasm took you by surprise. Although satisfying and similar to every other one you’d had, something was off. As you got up to go to the bathroom and wash your hands, you tried to figure out what had been different, when you realized it. The first and only time you used a vibrator, long before Jiyong was anything more than someone you admired. You only used it once, because it was overwhelming. After about a minute, you were not only shaking from the orgasm, but sobbing, and that feeling of too much, of being shaken inside and out, that’s what you felt with Jiyong that night.

Sitting on the floor of your bathroom, drunk and reeling at this realization, you started to cry. You crawled back into bed and tried not to think about this incredible misunderstanding of your own body. You had rejected him, turned him away and ignored him, because you not only didn’t put the pieces together until two weeks later, but because you were so ignorant about these things. It was so painfully obvious now, and all you wanted to do was tell him.

Drunk, you thought this was a fantastic idea, come clean, explain that you were an idiot and hope that he’d laugh at you then fuck you until you couldn’t stand. However, in that studio at 5am and sober, there was no way you could even think about it. From how he had been acting, you couldn’t suddenly change your mind. He’d never trust you if you kept flip-flopping about how you felt, he might even fire you.

Kicking yourself for ruining what could have been, you got to work without saying a word. You didn’t even notice that you had succeeded for a third time at getting him coffee without him realizing it, too trapped in your own head to notice the surprised look on his face.

* * *

By the end of the day, you were doing what you swore you wouldn’t: planning on how to get Jiyong’s attention. Not just talking to him or being around him, but how to get him interested in you like he had been. These plans ranged from texting him again, to showing up wearing nothing but a trench coat and offering yourself to him to do as he pleased. Despite his distance, there were a few moments during the day that made your planning seem less crazy and more practical.

You’d caught him staring at you numerous times, but that wasn’t enough. It was when you were taking a break from work while he did his magic, and you were working on one of your original pieces. Sitting at your desk and facing away from him, you were listening to the autogenerated piano play through what you had so far, when your chair moved forward slightly. Suddenly his hands were planted on your desk, boxing you in, his face only inches away, and he was staring at your screen.

Blushing furiously, you took your headphones off and turned. His face was so close, and if he turned his head to face you, there would be no stopping you from attacking him. It wasn’t until he grabbed your headphones that you realized he was talking, “If you’re going to do this in front of me, I need to hear it.”

“Okay,” you replied weakly. The shock you were experiencing had little to do with him hearing your music for the first time, and more with your revelation from the night before.

After a few minutes of passionless electronic piano, he took your headphones off and stood up. The spell you were under from his close proximity was broken as he said, “Wow.”

Turning to face him, you asked, “What?”

“I mean, it would be better to hear someone play it, but… it’s so… tragic, but in a good way,” he said, still not looking at you but at the laptop, “Is it just instrumental?”

Nodding, because you didn’t know what to say. The reality of what was happening was sinking in: G Fucking Dragon liked your song. For a moment, all your confused feelings about Jiyong seemed to disappear and the very real sensation of your idol, the person you looked up to and respected as a musician had enjoyed something that you made. Something that had been only an idea in your head, that you had spent hours, possibly days at this point, working on, and he said ‘wow’.

Turning away as you felt yourself getting emotional, thoughts of needing to tell someone about this ruined your happiness. Who would you tell? The only person who had ever known you well enough to appreciate this moment was gone. You checked the time and decided you needed to leave. There was no way you were about to deal with this while around Jiyong, you refused to let anyone see you in this particular state.

Packing up, you barely said a word, certain that your voice would give you away. He didn’t offer to walk you home, and you were conflicted on how you felt about it. Thankful that he hadn’t, but also wishing he had at least offered. That part of you wanted Jiyong to see how lonely you were in that moment, how much you needed someone to care about your accomplishments, but he didn’t. The isolation you put upon yourself was necessary, but right now, you didn’t want to be alone and you couldn’t do anything to change it.

* * *

Dropping your bag when you got home, you grabbed a bottle of wine and went straight to your room. You changed out of your work clothes and into your favorite shirt, the one Jiyong had brought you when you spilt coffee all over yourself. It was big enough so you didn’t bother with shorts or leggings. Knowing that you’d spend your one day off in bed, it really didn’t matter what you wore as long as you were comfortable.

This wasn’t the first time this had happened, and it wouldn’t be the last. You wanted to share your accomplishments, you wanted to tell someone about your day, you wanted someone to care. But you didn’t have anyone like that. Grabbing your phone and scrolling through your contacts, trying to see if you had someone you could talk to that you hadn’t thought of. Your recent messages were just Jiyong, Seunghyun, Soonho, and a few coworkers.

You couldn’t text Jiyong. Not about this and not after everything that had happened. You didn’t think you could even explain what was wrong, and you considered deleting him from your phone. You couldn’t, at some point you’d have to send him a message or call him, and then you’d be screwed.

Seunghyun wasn’t an option either. It would give him the wrong idea, and you needed to keep him at a distance. The idea did cross your mind that you could give the whole sex thing a try with him, but then you felt disgusting. You weren’t that kind of person, and you didn’t want to be.

You gave up. Setting your phone on the bed and going back to the kitchen to uncork the bottle of wine. Taking a long pull from the bottle, not bothering with a glass, you proceeded to get as drunk as you could. Tomorrow would be hell, but that was better than feeling.

* * *

Squinting and holding your hand over your eyes as you woke up, you knew mistakes had been made. Your head throbbed and your stomach churned, but you weren’t going to be sick. You needed coffee desperately. Walking unsteadily out of your room toward the kitchen, you started making coffee when you heard a strange noise. Frozen mid action and staring at the cupboard in front of you, listening hard for the rasping noise again, you quickly realized it was coming from behind you.

Turning as quickly as you could, which wasn’t that quick, you couldn’t comprehend what you saw. Walking toward the living room, there was a distinct person-shaped thing on your couch mostly covered in a blanket. When you were only a few feet away, you froze. Jiyong was on your couch. In your confusion, you didn’t realize what you were seeing until his hand dropped to his crotch and he adjusted himself. Penis. You were now staring at the distinct outline Jiyong’s penis.

Forgetting about the coffee, you rushed back to your bedroom as you tried to figure out how he had gotten onto your couch and not about his penis. Leaning against your bedroom door, you couldn’t figure out how he had gotten into your apartment. You tried to remember what you did last night, but the last thing you remember was polishing off a bottle of wine. Grabbing your phone, you unlocked it and saw what a drunk and upset version of yourself had done.

Pacing your bedroom, you checked your phone again. It had been twelve minutes since you had secluded yourself and read through your own stupidity. You were dressed now, but terrified at what else had happened. The texts told a definite story: you were drunk and he came over. But you didn’t know what else had happened. Resting against your door again, you heard movement from your kitchen.

You hoped he was leaving, but you were never that lucky. A few minutes later, you noticed that all sound had stopped, so you were straining to hear anything. The sudden knock on your bedroom door, although quiet, scared the shit out of you, and you screamed. Scrambling to your feet, you opened the door.

Holding two mugs of coffee, Jiyong stood in your hallway. His hair was a mess, and he clearly was still wearing what he had slept in. Not taking a step forward, he held out one of the mugs, “Coffee?”

You were on high alert, and worried that you had done something or said something last night that would cause problems. It dawned on you that you may have told him how you felt, or that you had changed your mind and wanted more. There was no way out of this, but you needed to know what happened. Carefully taking the mug from him, you took a sip, but didn’t take your eyes off of him.

After a few minutes of standing and staring at each other, he asked, “Do you have plans for the day?”

After hearing him ask you this question for almost 2 months, you didn’t have it in you to be annoyed. Even this bastardized version of intimacy was better than what you did have, which was nothing. You took another sip, a bit in awe that Jiyong had made you coffee, then replied, “Just normal human stuff. Laundry, dishes, and some work stuff. You?”

He grinned, and you melted inside, “Nothing. I rarely have plans on Sundays.”

As if you just realized it, you asked, “Are you hungry? I can make breakfast or order something…”

“Coffee is fine for now,” he said, shifting on his feet before he asked, “Can I.. um.. Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” you replied, stepping out of the way before the panic was back. Watching him walk into your bedroom and sit on your bed, you didn’t know what to do. This was seriously foreign territory.

He looked over at you and said, “We need to talk.”

“Okay,” you said, trying to swallow the lump in your throat. When he jerked his head, wordlessly asking you to join him on your bed, it was like you weren’t in control of your body anymore.

As you sat on the other side of the bed, the furthest point from him, he sighed and asked, “Do you know why I came over?”

“Kind of,” you hesitated to say anything. You had read the texts but even then you weren’t sure.

“I know that what happened between us… it wasn’t how it should have been. I thought… I don’t know what I thought, but I haven’t been myself since. I know we weren’t close, we were barely friends, but I wish we could go back to that. Back before it turned into this,” he gestured between the two of you and looked into your eyes. He was sincere and you didn’t doubt what he’d said, mostly because you wanted it too.

You took a minute to think and sip your coffee before you said, “I don’t really know how to do that.”

He laughed, “Trust me, it’s obvious, and after last night I have a better idea why.”

“What did I say last night?” you asked. When he just stared at you, you continued, “I remember finishing a bottle of wine, and after that, I got nothing.”

Turning his body toward you, he said, “You don’t remember, well, you didn’t say anything that scared me off. I mean, I’m still here.”

You asked him to explain, and he did. In your drunken state, you had told him more than you’d shared with anyone in years. As he spoke, the realization that he knew about your mom, about giving up performing, that you graduated top of your class, and that you were lonely. It was like he had read your mind, but you knew that he hadn’t. He had this information because you told him, but he wasn’t running, he was still here. There weren’t words for the relief you felt when he finished and not once did your renewed feelings for him come up. At least drunk you hadn’t run your mouth that much.

“Um… what now?” you asked.

Finishing his coffee, he held out his hand but when you didn’t hand him your cup, he leaned over and took it. He got off the bed and said, “C’mon, we need more coffee and food.”

It was that simple. You texted him, he came over, you spilled your guts, and he just accepted it. Shock was what kept you from freaking out or locking yourself in your room. On autopilot at first, you followed him into the kitchen. Watching him refill both cups as you tried to not stare at him, you asked, “So… we’re friends now?”

Walking over to you and offering you your cup, he said, “Labels, ugh, just go sit down and find food.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He couldn’t get her song out of his head, humming it as he walked into his apartment and to the kitchen to find something to eat. Jiyong heard his phone go off, but ignored it. He didn’t want to think about anything except that song. In less than a minute, he heard his phone’s text alert again and decided to check it. He didn’t need to respond, just needed to make sure it wasn’t an emergency. Unlocking his phone and seeing the notification, he nearly dropped it on the ground. Y/N had texted him. Twice.

He couldn’t get her song out of his head, humming it as he walked into his apartment and to the kitchen to find something to eat. Jiyong heard his phone go off, but ignored it. He didn’t want to think about anything except that song. In less than a minute, he heard his phone’s text alert again and decided to check it. He didn’t need to respond, just needed to make sure it wasn’t an emergency. Unlocking his phone and seeing the notification, he nearly dropped it on the ground. Y/N had texted him. Twice.

He stared at the two messages for a minute, no idea what to say to her. She’d left so quickly and seemed upset. Jiyong wanted to walk her home, ask her what was wrong, but he couldn’t. He knew that whatever was going on with her wasn’t something she’d be willing to share, with him at least. Deciding on the safest thing he could say, he texted back.

As soon as the message sent, she was typing. Jiyong sat on the couch, food forgotten as he stared at his phone. Her next message gave him a strange feeling, he didn’t know how to take it.

Thinking for a minute, he knew he needed to be careful. Considering how things had gone so far, if he made another wrong move or didn’t think things through, she’d be running again.

Again, as soon as the message was sent, she read and was typing. The next text made his heart sink, he didn’t know what he should do.

Jiyong didn’t want to leave her waiting, he didn’t know what she could be upset about, but he wanted to help. Even though it would probably cause more problems down the road, he wanted to be in her life, in any capacity.

It took a while before she replied. Jiyong was kicking himself. He had gone too far, she didn’t want to talk to him, and if she was drunk, she might not even realize she was texting him. Then another message.

_Neither do I_ , he thought as he texted her back.

Waiting for her to reply was going to make him a nervous wreck. He left his phone on the couch and got up. Back in the kitchen he started looking for something to eat, when he heard his text alert. Running back to the living room, he read her message and collapsed on the couch.

Genuinely concerned now, Jiyong knew he had to ask something that would probably cross that line. Y/N did not want him to come over, she didn’t want to see him, but he couldn’t help the idea that she might. Rather than contemplate what she could mean, he decided to ask.

He didn’t have to wait long for her reply, and he was back on his feet. Digging through a cupboard and heading out the door, determined to not screw this up. It might be his last chance.

* * *

Walking down the hall to her apartment, his heart was pounding in his chest. She hadn’t sent any more messages and he was concerned she may have changed her mind. When he rang her apartment to get into her building, she hadn’t said anything just unlocked the main door. Jiyong figured that she wouldn’t have done that if she didn’t still want him to come over.

Standing at her door, he reminded himself to not try anything. Even if she wanted to, it was clear that she wasn’t interested in him like that. What had happened two weeks ago was a mistake and he wouldn’t let it happen again, no matter how much he wanted to give in. Knocking on her door, he heard her giggle before there was a thud against the door, then it unlocked. She was very drunk.

The door opened and she grinned up at him, “You came!”

“I did,” Jiyong said, walking into her apartment as she locked the door behind him clumsily. It wasn’t big, only a one bedroom, but he liked it already.

He watched her walk, if that’s what she was going to call it, to the kitchen as she said, “I only have half a bottle left and that’s not enough.”

Following behind her, more to make sure she didn’t fall, Jiyong asked, “Enough for what?”

Turning around abruptly, she looked up at him, “Enough to make today go away.”

“Why do you want today to go away?” he asked, now worried about what could have happened.

Leaning back against the counter and finishing off an almost full glass of wine, she said, “I don’t even know how to explain it. I don’t think it makes sense to people.”

Jiyong, being sober and concerned about how much she was drinking, made an important decision: get her some food and into bed. Walking over to her and taking the wine out of her hand as she tried to pour another glass, he said, “Enough wine for now, you need to eat.”

“You aren’t my boss… right now…” she said childishly.

“Someone needs to be,” he said as he started making her a sandwich.

* * *

After he got her to eat, even if she only ate half the sandwich, he lead her to her room. It wasn’t hard to find and luckily she didn’t need to change. Getting her into her bed and tucking her in, he felt strange, like he was her older brother or something. He got her a glass of water and some aspirin, setting it on her nightstand before he left her to sleep it off, but she stopped him.

He was at her bedroom door, when he heard her say clearly, “Ji… stay.”

Facing away from her, he squeezed his eyes closed. He’d never be able to say no to her, he knew that, but this might be pushing him past the point of no return. Reminding himself that she was drunk and he was not kept him from worrying about taking advantage of her as he turned around. She was laying on her back, eyes open and staring at him.

When he didn’t say anything, she hit the bed next to her, “We can have a sleepover. Pillow fights, share secrets, I can braid your hair! It’ll be fun!”

For as much as she drank, she should have been asleep by now, but it seemed that the sandwich had given her a boost of energy. Walking back to the bed and sitting next to her, he was glad he wore boxer briefs. They were keeping the evidence of what being in her bed was doing to him hidden from view. Trying to ignore that particular problem, he asked the first thing that popped into his head, “How was your day?”

Cringing as he remembered that she had had a terrible day, he tried to think of something else, but she started talking, “Fine up until you listened to my song.”

He didn’t know what to say to that, but this seemed to open the flood gates and she began to ramble, “I can’t believe you liked it. You said ‘wow’. I don’t know how to process that. You don’t say ‘wow’ to anything, but my stupid song? But that isn’t what’s wrong. What’s wrong is I don’t have anyone to tell. No one would get it. That was probably one of the best moments of my life, and no one is ever going to know about it.”

Jiyong didn’t know what to say. He listened as she started and stopped, pausing for a few minutes then going on again. She told him about her mom, who had died from pancreatic cancer in her second year at university. Spending hours at the hospital, then the hospice, wanting to be with her mom as much as possible. Then about getting her job, and graduating. Two of the most important milestones in her life, but that’s when this would happen. She had basically shut down after graduating, staying in bed for two days straight.

What she was saying hurt him. He couldn’t imagine being so separate, so isolated, but he didn’t need to imagine it. He lived it. Even though he had people to share with, it always felt like there was a barrier between him and everyone else. As she drifted off to sleep, he waited until she was breathing heavily before he got up. He wasn’t going to sleep next to her, but he wasn’t going to leave either.

Finding a blanket in the living room, he laid down on the couch after cleaning up the kitchen as best he could. He decided that tomorrow he was going to spend the day with her. He wasn’t going to back down from this. Just because she didn’t want to be with him, didn’t mean they couldn’t be friends, and that’s what he was going to do. They were going to work together, they were going to hang out, and come hell or high water, he’d make sure she’d never have a night like this again.

* * *

Waking up in an unfamiliar place, Jiyong tried to go back to sleep, but when he heard a door slam, he was wide awake. Assuming that Y/N was up already, despite how much she drank, he sat up and looked around her apartment. It was the same as last night, but the sunshine pouring in through the windows made everything better.

With his plan still on his mind, he got up and started figuring out how to make coffee. He surprised himself with how easy her coffeemaker was to use, pouring himself and Y/N each a cup then going to her room. Her door was still closed, and when he knocked he nearly dropped both cups because of her scream.

As she opened the door, he tried to not stare, but he couldn’t help it. She was wearing his shirt, well not his own shirt, but the one he had found for her when he had spilt coffee on her. Jiyong didn’t remember if she was wearing it last night. He didn’t want to think that she had put it on when she was having a bad day, that this shirt in particular was the one she chose when she was trying to feel better, those thoughts would only distract him. Jiyong was on a mission and would not be lead astray by wayward thoughts.

Once they were in the living room and on their second cup of coffee, she was rattling off ideas for breakfast. Jiyong wanted to avoid leaving, he wanted to keep the rest of the world out of what he had planned. When she mentioned a delivery place, he jumped on it, “That one sounds good.”

“Agreed, don’t have to put on pants,” she said under her breath, but he still heard her and laughed. After she ordered their food, she asked, “Not to seem rude, but being incredibly rude, how long are you staying here?”

“Thought you didn’t have plans,” he replied, worried that she may want to be alone now and he was intruding.

“I don’t,” she said, taking a sip of her coffee, “I’m just trying to figure out what I’m doing today.”

He got up and went to the bag he had haphazardly packed last night, bringing it back to the couch and opening it. Pulling out two movies and two bottles of wine, setting them on the table, he said, “I figured we could do normal people stuff.”

“Ew,” she said looking at the movies, “Can I be honest?”

“No,” Jiyong said, making her laugh and he tried to keep his pride at bay.

Setting her coffee down and picking up one of the DVDs, she said, “I’d rather get some chores done then work.”

“What do you have to work on?” Jiyong asked.

“Well,” she started, thinking for a moment before she continued, “I have two songs I’m trying to finish, laundry, dishes, maybe groceries. Gross normal people stuff.”

“Disgusting,” Jiyong said, “Why not… do the gross normal people stuff and I’ll observe.” She glared at him, and he leaned close, his face and voice very serious, “I’ve never been able to study a normal person this closely before.”

Slapping his shoulder as she laughed, “I am not a science project… you might be.”

The doorbell rang and she was up and at the door, their food had arrived. Taking the bags to the kitchen, she started getting plates and silverware out, but Jiyong got in the way. “You go away,” she said while trying to grab one of the bags from him.

Pulling the bag out of her reach, he said, “No, I want to be normal too.”

“Ew…” she said, then they both laughed again.

As they ate, Jiyong was able to relax and Y/N seemed to as well. It was easier to be around her now. He still felt guilty about what had happened, but making her laugh was overpowering those feelings. Even though this wasn’t what he wanted, it was close enough and by far more than he thought he deserved.

* * *

Cleaning up breakfast, Y/N seemed like she was on a mission. Within half an hour of being done eating, she had started her laundry, gotten the dishes done, and was comfortable on the couch with her laptop. Jiyong tried following her as she worked, but he was terrible at it. Bumping into her and getting in her way, but she didn’t seem to mind. Each time he’d say, “Pardon,” or “Do you mind?” and then move out of her way.

When she was still again, getting ready to work, he fell onto the couch after getting them both more coffee and setting the cups on the table. Craning his neck so he could look up at her, he reached above his head and unplugged her headphones.

“Hey!” she chided, grabbing at the cord.

Jiyong giggled, sitting up and taking her headphones as well, “I want to hear. You don’t use headphones at home… or do you? Is that a normal person thing?”

“You don’t want to hear this, now give them back,” she said, putting her laptop down, but Jiyong was already standing.

He cocked an eyebrow, holding her headphones up, and said defiantly, “Make me.”

“You are an adult,” she said, standing up but not making a move toward him.

“Barely,” he laughed, and ran to her room. He could hear her running after him, but he beat her and closed the door behind him, “Promise you won’t use the headphones and I won’t have to do anything drastic.”

“Get out of my room!” she shouted from the other side of the door.

“Y/N, you have to promise,” he said, barely able to get the words out he was laughing so hard.

She was twisting the handle and pushing on the door, he looked down and saw that he could lock the door. Waiting for her to stop jiggling the handle, he pushed the button, and heard her groan. Taking a step back, he smiled at the door, “Promise you won’t use the headphones and I’ll come out, or I’m going to take a nap.”

“Kwon Jiyong!” she shouted, “Unlock the door!”

She didn’t sound angry, she was laughing and he knew she was having as much fun as he was. Rushing around her room to find a hiding place, he settled on the bed. Lifting one of her pillows and setting the headphones underneath, he walked back to the door and unlocked it, both hands held high. The door swung open and she glared at him, “What did you do?”

“Me?” he asked, trying to act innocent, “I have done nothing.”

Holding her hand out, she said, “Give me back my headphones or I will hurt you.”

“You can’t hurt me, I’m your boss,” Jiyong said, dropping his hands and standing tall.

Y/N laughed, “It’s Sunday, I’m my boss today and this is my apartment. You have no power here.”

Jiyong pointed at the wall to his left, which was covered in BigBang posters, “I have more power than you think. I’m your god.”

“Pfft, not anymore,” she said, turning and walking back to the living room, “You wanna hear, fine, you can hear it. But it’s all rough and my speakers are crap.”

Bouncing excitedly, Jiyong ran after her and jumped on the couch, “Don’t care, now get back to work.”

For over two hours he listened. He changed positions on the couch a few times, sitting up, laying down, resting his head on her shoulder, but he didn’t say a word. Seeing her work, he had an idea of why she had watched him so closely at first. There was something about seeing how someone would turn an idea into reality, making adjustments that were so subtle that they would go unnoticed by most.

As the day went on, they didn’t speak much. When she stretched, finally at a decent breaking point, she asked, “Hungry?”

Jiyong said, “I could eat,” as he sat back on the couch.

“Anything in particular or do you want to be surprised?” she asked, getting up and setting her laptop on the table.

“Don’t care, you pick,” he said. He didn’t follower this time when she walked down the hall. Jiyong was deep in thought and knew he had to leave soon. He could hear her without picking up on the conversation as she ordered food.

She said something about laundry and he held up his phone, pretending he was reading something. Jiyong was quickly realizing that if he was going to go down the friend route, he had to stop indulging his fantasies. While she had been working, he had been pretending. Wondering if what they were doing was what they would be doing if they were together. Sundays spent in their apartment, doing chores, listening to her music, then they’d go to bed together, but that’s where the fantasy soured.

He had to leave soon. He’d go back to his empty apartment, she’d stay here, and they’d be alone. Seeing her at the studio tomorrow gave him some hope, but it wasn’t the same. Jiyong was struggling with the practicality of his decision to be happy with what he could get, he wanted more.

“You okay?” she asked as she closed the door.

Jiyong looked up from his phone that he’d been staring at, seeing her with a bag of food, “Yeah, fine. That was quick.”

“It’s been almost 40 minutes,” she said, walking to the kitchen.

Getting off the couch and joining her, that same pang of wanting what he couldn’t have shot through him, but he ignored it. For now, he decided, he could take this, and he hoped it would get easier with time.

After dinner, Jiyong left, hoping that a few shots of whiskey would make reality less bitter. He knew he could go out and find someone else to fill the void, but he didn’t want someone else. He wanted Y/N.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding yourself unwilling to open your eyes wasn’t the best way to wake up. Becoming aware that you were technically conscious and opening your eyes was inevitable, despite the fog in your head wasn’t how your Sunday should have started. It even took you a while to remember that it was Sunday, but you didn’t panic. If you had to be at work, you wouldn’t have drank last night and you would have been woken up by your alarm, not the sun trying to melt your eyelids just to get at your retinas.

Finding yourself unwilling to open your eyes wasn’t the best way to wake up. Becoming aware that you were technically conscious and opening your eyes was inevitable, despite the fog in your head wasn’t how your Sunday should have started. It even took you a while to remember that it was Sunday, but you didn’t panic. If you had to be at work, you wouldn’t have drank last night and you would have been woken up by your alarm, not the sun trying to melt your eyelids just to get at your retinas.

After a few minutes of internal debate about the merits of consciousness, you gave in and opened your eyes. Your first thought was that the ceiling was wrong. Your ceiling was a cheap, off-white popcorn affair, but what you were looking at was a light shade of blue and flawlessly smooth. This was not your ceiling. Running your hand along the sheet, you noticed how much softer it was, only confirming that you weren’t in your bed either, which made sense, your bed was under your ceiling. Lifting your head then sitting up, you looked around the room that was twice as big as your bedroom and filled with someone else’s belongings. The idea that you weren’t home started to sink in.

As you sat up, the sheet fell and you were cold. Looking down, you noticed that you were also naked, and your mind went blank. You were trying to figure out how you ended up in someone else’s bedroom, naked and hungover, when you felt movement next to you. Slowly you looked next to you and remembered everything. Biting your bottom lip as you stared at the person in the bed next to you, it was like waking up in someone else’s life, and you were not complaining.

Laying back down on your side, facing him, you hesitated for a moment before reaching out a hand and resting it on his back. His skin was soft and warm as you slid your hand down his back, pushing the sheet with it. Checking to see if he was as naked as you were and pleased to see that he was as you scooted closer to him. His breathing was slow and even as you draped a leg over his and rolled half onto your stomach to lay next to him.

You traced your fingertips along his arm and let your mind wander to the day before. Well aware of how you wound up in this bed now, you wanted to remember it. You didn’t want to forget a single detail, because if things ended badly, you’d never have anything better than the last 24 hours.

* * *

“Try it again,” Jiyong said into the mic.

It had been almost a month since Jiyong woke up on your couch, and you thought you were going to lose your mind. When it was just the two of you, in the studio, at your apartment or his, you had to fight to keep from doing something stupid. You were constantly reminding yourself that you had goals, you had a dream, and that throwing it away to be with Jiyong was stupid. It was stupid to think about how he had kissed you, stupid to think about how his skin had felt against yours, and really stupid to think about how much you wanted him to fuck you again.

Lunch had come and gone, Saturday coming to a close and they were deep into recording. Seunghyun in the booth for the last hour, with Jiyong giving him constant notes, leaving you to just sit back and watch. Jiyong was trying to get what he wanted out of his bandmates for the song, and luckily Daesung decided to stay after he finished his part.

You and Daesung were relaxing on the couch, he didn’t seem to mind that you were working, but you gave up on it after a while. Talking to him was easy. There wasn’t any tension or awkward moments, and it was such a nice break from Jiyong or Seunghyun. After the last month, things between you and Jiyong were better, but you couldn’t get him out of your head. Even when you were quietly talking with Daesung, you’d catch yourself staring at Jiyong.

The idea that Jiyong was your friend was still perplexing. It just didn’t make sense. You avoided thinking about it, but it was pointless. There was no way to know if you should think about what was going on or if you should just let it happen unhindered by thought. After another hour of internal debate about whether you should think about it or not, you gave up on thinking for the day and decided that you needed some air. Setting your laptop on the table, you asked Daesung quietly, “Want to go on a coffee run?”

He nodded. The studio was filled with the same 20 seconds of song repeating over and over, Seunghyun’s voice starting to show the strain of Jiyong’s need for perfection. You and Daesung had needed to be quiet so that they could work, so getting out for a bit would be good.

When you got to the door, Jiyong said into the mic, “Hold on.” He turned to face you and Daesung and asked, “Are you leaving?”

“Just getting coffee,” you replied, smiling at him.

Daesung grabbed your arm, pulling on it to get you out the door faster, “I need freedom!”

Jiyong looked worried for a moment, but nodded and got back to work, “One last time, hyung.”

As you walked toward the elevator, Daesung dropped your arm and rushed ahead to push the button. Your mind wandered to the pleasant surprise that was that Sunday, and you sighed. Daesung covered his face, like they all did, as you left the building and walked toward the coffee shop. You couldn’t get over how being around Daesung was so much easier compared to being trapped in that studio with Jiyong. Even with other people around, you could feel the tension inside you build.  Over a month after your realization, you didn’t know if you could last much longer. Eventually, you’d snap.

“What are you thinking about?” Daesung asked after you ordered the coffees.

Startled out of your thoughts, you said quickly, “Nothing.”

He laughed, “You are the worst liar.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m going to tell you what I was thinking,” you said, trying to keep from panicking. If he found out, Jiyong would know before you left the coffee shop.

Grabbing the coffee and leaving the shop, Daesung said, “Tell me, don’t tell me. It doesn’t matter because I already know.”

“You know?” you asked, making good on your attempts to stay calm. However, your mind was racing while you waited for him to reply.

He laughed and said confidently, “I know.”

Rolling your eyes, you knew he was just trying to get you to tell him, so you goaded him. You were certain he didn’t know, no one knew, so you said, “Prove it.”

As calm as ever, he simply said, “Jiyongie.”

You had to actively remind yourself to not drop the coffee you were holding. His name didn’t necessarily mean what you thought it did, but you knew he knew. Sighing deeply, you muttered, “Shut up.”

“You should tell him,” Daesung said, holding the door open for you.

“Nope,” you said, stopping in the entrance to glare at him, “There is nothing to tell.”

“Again with the lying,” he said as he walked past you.

Following him to the elevator, you stood next to him in silence, trying to think of the reasons you had, “I am not lying.”

“You have less than a minute to explain,” Daesung said, and you were shocked by his serious tone.

“Are you gonna tell him?” you hissed, unable to believe that this sweet, little dork would actually throw you under the bus, but terrified that he was about to do just that.

Daesung laughed, grinning wide as he said, “No, but it might be weird if you talk about why you don’t want to be with him in the same room as him.”

“You swear you aren’t going to tell?” you asked, hoping that you weren’t doing the wrong thing by trusting Daesung. He nodded as you both stepped out of the elevator, but neither of you walked toward the studio. Glancing down the hall to see that the door was still locked and the light above the door was lit, meaning they were still recording, you said in a rush, “I have worked too hard to throw it away on something this stupid.”

Leaning against the wall and pursing his lips, Daesung thought for a moment before shrugging. Pushing off the wall, he said, “I don’t think you’d have to throw your career away and you know it’s not stupid. It’s cute.”

Walking up ahead of Daesung, you hissed, “If people found out then any other reason for me getting this job would be ignored. None of my work would matter and I can’t live with that.”

“If people found out… Found out what, Y/N?” Daesung asked.

Your eyes were wide, you’d said too much, “Nothing.”

Before he could ask anything else, and before you could say anything else, you walked toward the studio. If things weren’t bad enough, about two hours after you got back, they finished the song. Finishing a song meant celebrating, and that meant going out.

* * *

Holding your glass up as Seunghyun refilled it, smiling down at you, it started to feel like you did belong. You weren’t some fangirl or employee, bare minimum you were friends with three-fifths of BigBang. Seungri was still trying his best to get you to go out with him, but it was more like a running gag between the two of you. He was aware you weren’t interested but kept the game going because it was funny.

“Please, Y/N, I’m begging you,” Seungri said, “I never beg.”

Trying to keep a straight face, you said as seriously as you could, “Nope, not feeling it.”

He took your hand, holding it in both of his as he pouted, “What do I have to do?”

“Have you tried animal sacrifice?” you offered, Jiyong and Daesung leaned on each other while they laughed loudly. You and Seungri stared at each other for a moment before you both lost it.

As the laughter died down, you noticed Jiyong sit up straight and his face fell. He looked transfixed as he stared toward the entrance, and you followed his gaze. You heard Daesung mutter, “Not now,” as you caught your first glimpse of possibly the most beautiful woman you’d ever seen outside of a magazine or music video.

She seemed to notice the four of you staring and she started to approach, but Seunghyun intercepted. They were too far away for any of you to hear the conversation, but from what you could see Seunghyun looked angry while she looked amused. He pointed at the door and she shrugged. Before she walked away toward the bar, she waved at the table. You looked back at Jiyong and he was stunned. You weren’t even sure he was breathing, nudging him with your elbow to shake him out of his trance.

This was the moment you had feared, but you had prepared yourself as best you could. Being his friend meant you’d be subjected to seeing him move on, and if he moved on with that woman, it was probably for the best. She suited him, and you didn’t. Even though nothing had happened, it felt like you had lost him all over again, if you ever had him. Compared to her, you were just another face in the crowd, bland and ordinary.

“We should leave,” Seunghyun said when he got back to the booth, and he seemed nervous.

Daesung grabbed his jacket and said, “We can go to my place or back to the studio.”

You were genuinely confused. A minute ago Jiyong was having a magical movie moment with his potential dream girl across the bar, now they wanted to leave. Before you even thought to ask for an explanation, Jiyong said, “Come on, I don’t care where we go as long as we leave now.”

He leaned close and whispered, “Please play along, just in case.”

Still completely in the dark and having no idea what was going on, you agreed. Sliding out of the booth behind him, his arm was around your waist, and you were walking next to him. You and Jiyong followed Seunghyun out, the others close behind and you knew you were in for a good story on the ride to wherever you were going, but that wasn’t going to happen.

“GD!” a sweet voice said as you walked past the bar.

It was her. You assumed that he’d keep walking, but he didn’t. Keeping his arm around you, he stopped and looked over his shoulder as he said dismissively, “Sarah.”

She walked over to the two of you and you were assaulted by her perfume. She was overdone, now that you could see her properly, and it was unsettling. Sarah kept her eyes on Jiyong until she was a few feet away, then she gave you a once over and smirked, “Good to see you moved on.”

Seunghyun hadn’t realized you and Jiyong had stopped, but Daesung and Seungri had. Seungri stood next to Jiyong, crossing his arms as he said, “I still don’t know how you do it Sarah.”

“Do what?” she asked Seungri, her face dropping as she addressed him.

Seungri looked over at Jiyong, who gave him a small nod before he replied with the biggest shit-eating grin, “Cram all that bitch into such a small dress.”

Without another word, Jiyong was walking, practically dragging you with him as you caught up to Seunghyun. Leaving the club and getting back into the SUV, you weren’t certain, but you had a good idea what just happened. Sandwiched in the back between Jiyong and Seunghyun, who were talking about the implications of what had just happened, you didn’t need an explanation. Sarah was an exgirlfriend, and apparently Satan’s protege.

After a few minutes, they were trying to figure out where to go. Youngbae was fine with calling it a night, but the rest weren’t close to done. Dropping Youngbae off at his apartment, the rest of you went back to the studio. Spending the week there working didn’t make going there a chore or something you’d dread. Being in the studio was relaxing and comfortable, it had to be. Wouldn’t be easy trying to be creative in an environment that wasn’t somewhere you could relax.

You dropped onto the couch in your usual spot and for the first time didn’t feel the need to work. Your spot was the corner, which was problematic when Seunghyun sat next to you, his arm along the back of the couch. He always sat too close to you, but like every time he did this, you weren’t completely opposed to it. Even if you knew that you wanted Jiyong, it didn’t stop your mind from wandering. Seunghyun was attractive, but you had to make yourself ignore those thoughts.

Even after a month, and your adamant stance, you had no idea what you were doing. Spending time with Jiyong, working late and Sundays with him, it was all a part of your vague plan. Your plan was vague because all you wanted was for him to want you, there wasn’t anything that came after that, and you didn’t need there to be. You knew it was selfish, but after that night almost two months ago, all you wanted was to be wanted again. It was obvious that you and Jiyong were friends and that he seemed to enjoy that, which would be enough, unless you were drinking.

Holding up a bottle of wine and a bottle of whiskey, Jiyong turned around and beamed at you, “Let’s get drunk.”

* * *

“Are we out of wine?” you asked Jiyong, looking between him and your empty glass.

He pointed to Seunghyun, “The wine pig drank it all. All we have is whiskey.”

Holding out your glass with both hands, you smiled at him as he filled it up. Sipping the whiskey and not feeling the burn, you put your glass on the table and leaned back. Daesung and Seungri were arguing, Seunghyun interjecting occasionally while you and Jiyong remained silent.

Irritated, Seungri got up and walked over to you, kneeling at your feet as he rested his head on your lap. You patted his head and said, “It’s okay, you can’t win them all.”

“But it isn’t fair,” Seungri whined, “I wanted to sit in the chair.”

You giggled, “It’s a nice chair… will you cheer up if you get to sit next to me?”

His head popped up and he nodded enthusiastically. You grinned before you shoved Seunghyun as you said, “Move your ass, wine pig.”

“No!” he shouted, leaning into you before he wrapped his arms around you, “This is my spot and I’m the oldest.”

Seungri, just as drunk as the rest of you, stood and sat on Seunghyun’s lap. Distracted, Seunghyun wrapped his arms around the maknae and fell away from you, effectively spooning the younger man. As Seungri and Seunghyun wrestled on the couch, you got up to get away from them before you got kicked or dragged into their battle for a seat. Jiyong was sitting on the smaller couch, and in your current state, collapsing onto it was your best bet.

“Hi,” he said after you landed hard on the couch, partially landing on him.

You squirmed a bit, trying to get comfortable, as you watched Seunghyun finally get the upper hand. It wasn’t until you felt Jiyong shift against you that you registered exactly where you were. Your head leaning on his shoulder, one arm resting high on his thigh while the other was across your stomach, and your legs dangling off the end of the couch. This particular position wasn’t odd, but it was problematic. Jiyong, without a second thought, had his arm around your shoulders and draped across your chest. His hand was resting on your forearm and when you noticed this, it was like a switch was flipped in your brain.

“I need to smoke,” you said as you turned toward Jiyong, hoping the others hadn’t heard you.

As Seunghyun and Seungri continued to argue, Jiyong whispered, “I’ll go first.”

Standing, Jiyong held a finger up to his lips as he nodded toward the door. You waited until he was out, before you said, “Bathroom, I’ll be back.”

Once outside, you ran toward the elevator. Jiyong was already inside, holding the door open for you, giggling as you collided with the wall. As the doors closed, he leaned against the back wall next to you and asked, “Do you have any cigarettes?”

Shaking your head, you asked, “Do you?”

“Yeah,” Jiyong said, “At home.”

The car ride to Jiyong’s wasn’t as bad as the wait for the car had been, but it wasn’t the worst thing. Even if you knew nothing would happen, being around Jiyong was enough for you. As you walked down the hall to his apartment, you stumbled, but didn’t fall. His arms around you as you both giggled, he got you back on your feet but kept his arm around you.

Unlocking the door, he said, “After you.”

Every time you walked into his apartment, you would be immediately reminded of the first time you were here and it usually made you uncomfortable. Thanks to the amount of alcohol in your system, you didn’t feel uncomfortable, quite the opposite. You wondered, as you followed him to the kitchen, if you tried to recreate that first time how he would react. He grabbed a pack of cigarettes and an ashtray, then his arm was around your shoulders again as he lead you back to the living room.

You tried to not fall onto the couch, but after a few drinks you were an uncoordinated mess. He laughed, as he turned on some music then joined you. Lighting a cigarette and handing it to you, he said, “We could keep drinking.”

“Yes we should,” you said as you took the cigarette and leaned back. Taking a long drag as you watched him take out another cigarette and light it, you couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened between the two of you. You were so comfortable around him now, and didn’t know why you hadn’t thought to bring it up before, as you asked, “Do you remember the first time I was here?”

Jiyong froze. He didn’t think he’d ever forget the first time you were at his apartment. It was one of the best and worst moments of his life. Unsure how to answer your question, he simply nodded.

“That was nuts,” you said, sitting up again so you could ash your cigarette.

He had no idea which part of that evening you could be referring to, considering how all of it had been intense. Keeping his mouth shut, until he heard you laughing, and he asked, “Care to share the joke?”

“It’s just…” you started, remembering why you had left that night and how ridiculous it was after you figured out what had happened, “I can’t. It’s so stupid.”

“C’mon, share the stupid,” he said, leaning back and trying to relax. If you wanted to talk about that night, he was more than happy to indulge you, and if he happened to find out what he had done wrong, all the better.

Covering your face with your hands, you said, “It’s just… I’m so dumb.” That was the majority of what had happened. You were too dumb to tell him the truth about your lack of experience before it was too late, and you were too dumb to realize that you didn’t even know your own body. The whole thing seemed so funny, you had to tell him. Turning to face him, you said as you giggled, “I came too hard.”

His face went slack as he watched you dissolve into a fit of giggles. Jiyong was certain he hadn’t heard you right, or at least misunderstood what you had said. He shifted so he didn’t have to turn his head to look at you, and asked, “What?”

Looking at him, your hand over your mouth as you continued to laugh, you nodded. It was so funny, but he wasn’t laughing. Clearly, he didn’t get it yet. Taking a few deep breaths, you tried to explain the joke, “I thought I was all broken inside, but then I remembered that it had happened before. I felt so stupid!”

Propping his elbow on the couch as he tried to not think about what this meant, he asked, “It happened before?”

“Yeah, never using a vibrator again,” you muttered, finally calming down and finishing your cigarette. Sitting back and looking at him, you grinned as you said, “Told you it was funny.”

Jiyong was smiling at you, but he didn’t think what you told him was funny. He had a feeling that the reason you had given him before wasn’t the whole story, but decided none of it mattered. This didn’t change the fact that you were focused on your career, and with that thought he asked, “Want a drink?”

* * *

Around 2am, you were trying to concentrate on the task at hand. Waiting for the first sign of movement, you quickly jerked your hands back as Jiyong tried to slap them. As his hands made contact with his legs again, you fell backward on the couch, “I win again!”

Rubbing his things, Jiyong grumbled, “I hate that game. You cheat.”

“How could I cheat?” you asked, feigning offense.

He picked up his glass, taking a drink, and said, “You, my dear Y/N, are a witch.”

Cackling as best you could, you reached across the table to grab a cigarette, but Jiyong swiped the pack, “No more for you, witch.”

“I’ll put a hex on you,” you said, holding your hand out, “Do you really want to risk it?”

When he didn’t move, you stood up and walked toward the door. He was confused for minute, asking, “Where are you going?”

“This witch is going to get her own smokes,” you said, struggling to get your shoes on, “I don’t need any help… damn shoes.”

He walked up behind you, and said, “Drunk witches don’t belong out there, I guess I could let you have one.”

You gave up on your shoes, turning around and leaning against the wall for support. Looking up at him, you remembered exactly how you felt the first time you were in this exact spot against the wall. He held out a cigarette and you took it.

Seeing you in that spot, leaning against the wall and looking up at him like you did that night before everything was ruined had his head spinning. Holding out the lighter, he watched you light the cigarette and all he wanted was to relive that night without screwing it up.

Handing him back the lighter, you asked, “Do you ever wish you could do something over again?”

“Yeah,” he replied, his voice reminding you even more of that night.

You pushed yourself away from the wall, standing so close to him you were having a hard time thinking about anything other than how good he felt. It wasn’t just physical this time, the time you’d spent together, getting to know him made all of this better. You didn’t know how he’d react, but you couldn’t stop yourself as you said, “I’d redo that night.”

It was like you slapped him across the face. His biggest concern was that you hadn’t wanted him, and your words confirmed it. Closing his eyes, he tried to keep his voice even as he agreed with you, “I would too.”

When you looked up at him, you didn’t understand why he looked sad, but you needed to get the rest out. For good or bad, you were going to get this out. “Ji,” you whispered, seeing his eyes open before you continued, “I don’t regret it.”

His eyes were locked on yours as his mind reeled. He was too drunk to think about what this would mean beyond this moment. Trying to think of how to ask what he needed to, he ran his hand through his hair as he said, “I do. It should have been different.”

Your eyes wide with shock, you asked, “Different how?”

“I don’t know,” he said, taking your cigarette and smoking as he thought. He continued, but seemed to be speaking more to himself, “Not different… better.”

“Better,” you said under your breath as you watched him put the cigarette out. You couldn’t move. Wanting someone as badly as you wanted him couldn’t be normal, it wasn’t like anything else you’d ever felt. Neither of you had admitted anything, and considering how you had treated him after that night, you knew he wouldn’t act first. Drunk as you were, all that did was make it slightly less terrifying to get the words out, “So… what if we did it over again?”

Jiyong shut his eyes tight, unable to process what you were saying. There was no way you meant it, not after what happened last time. You were drunk, and he needed to stop this before it went too far. Keeping his eyes closed, knowing that if he saw you he wouldn’t be able to say what he needed to, he said, “Don’t.”

“I just want to know, would you do it over again?” you asked, wanting so badly to touch him, but you couldn’t think of the right words to make him understand.

Squeezing his eyes shut, trying to fight looking at you, he muttered, “That’s not the point.”

“That is exactly the point. I would,” you said defiantly, and his eyes were wide open. You couldn’t say anything as you stared up at him.

“You’re drunk,” he whispered, a pained expression on his face that matched his inner turmoil.

Smiling slightly, you whispered back, “You’re drunker.”

“I don’t know,” he said, and you knew you needed to stop.

Drunk or not, you knew that if he didn’t want to that only meant one thing. Licking your lips as you tried to not feel the intense sensation of being rejected, you said, “I’m not trying to tease you, if you don’t want to, it’s fine…” Your voice trailed off as you stepped around him.

He gripped your arm before you could walk away and you froze. Unable to look at him, feeling the tears already stinging your eyes, you just wanted to get another drink so you didn’t start crying. For a moment, you both stood there, then he slowly pulled you back. His body was against yours, pushing you into the wall, and he cupped your cheek as he whispered, “I want to.”

“Shut up,” you said, and you waited. When he didn’t move, you gripped the back of his head and pulled him toward you. Feeling his lips against yours, feeling him kiss you without hesitation had you moaning into his mouth.

Jiyong couldn’t stop himself. This was so similar to the last time, but he was determined to not ruin this, not again. Trying to keep his head as best he could, he pulled back, and said, “If we do this, we’re doing it right.”

You couldn’t speak, all you wanted was more as you tried to kiss him again, but he pulled away. Opening your eyes as he took your hand and dragged you to his bedroom, you wondered what he meant by ‘doing it right’. Once inside, he released your hand and you stopped just in front of his bed. He closed the door, and walked up behind you, “Are you sure?” When you nodded, he took a step back, “You have to say it.”

Turning around, you saw that same look on his face he had in the office. The first time you really talked to him after that night, and couldn’t believe you didn’t realize how much that had hurt him. It dawned on you what he was worried about, why he needed to hear you say that you wanted this. Hoping he believed you, you said, “I want this, Ji.” He glanced down, biting his lip, and you added, “I want you.”

His head snapped up, staring at you for a moment then he closed the distance between you. Hands on your hips as he guided you backward, he whispered, “Please… don’t run this time.”

Before you could answer, the back of your knees hit the bed and you fell backward awkwardly. He didn’t laugh as he knelt over you, brushing your hair out of your face, and you didn’t know what to say as you stared up at him. This was like something out of a dream, and you’d had plenty of those since that night and before it. He leaned close and whispered, “Promise me you won’t leave.”

“I promise,” as the words left your lips, he took your hand in his and lifted it over your head.

Lacing his fingers between yours, he settled between your legs and said, “We aren’t going to rush.” Pressing his lips to yours for a moment, he looked into your eyes, “I’m going to take my time and enjoy this.”

“Oh God,” you breathed out.

He cupped your cheek and ran his thumb along your bottom lip as he asked, “Last time was your first time, right?”

You nodded, unable to form words. Even though you’d been here before, this was different. It wasn’t hurried, the alcohol was making time move so slowly, but you were thankful for it. Staring up at him, you tried to memorize everything about this as he asked, “Have you been with anyone since?”

“No,” you said, seeing the relief on his face. You weren’t sure if he had actually been worried that after he popped your cherry you’d run off and sleep with as many people as possible. It seemed ridiculous, but you had had thoughts about Seunghyun. Even though they hadn’t been thoughts you’d ever act on, part of you felt guilty for even having them.

Jiyong sighed, adjusting himself so he was between your legs properly and said, “Let’s pretend…” He trailed off as he started kissing along your jaw, “…that this time…” His lips against your neck now, and as he pressed his hips against yours, he whispered in your ear, “…is your first time.”

Whimpering beneath him, this was worse than that night. Your clothes were too restricting, your skin too warm, and what he was doing was going to kill you if he didn’t hurry up, you were sure of it. Finally able to move, you pawed at his shirt with your free hand as you pleaded, “Ji…”

Pushing himself up, he grinned down at you as he asked, “What do you need?”

“More… please….” was all you could get out as you tried to lift his shirt.

“You need to relax,” he said, taking your hand away, “I have an idea, something that’ll make this easier for you.”

You didn’t think anything would make this easier until he was inside you, but you did your best to be patient. He leaned back down, his lips at your ear as he slowly rolled his hips and took your other hand. Holding both your hands above your head and resting on his elbows, you could feel how hard he was as he moved smoothly between your legs.

“Breathe,” he whispered, his voice ragged.

Unknowingly, you had been holding your breath, releasing it slowly and gasping for a moment, but he didn’t stop moving. This was different from last time, but you knew you were getting close, and you needed something. You could only think to ask for more, but that wasn’t right. As best you could in that moment, you tried to remember the last time, when it came to you. Meeting his eyes, you gripped his hands as you said, “Harder.”

Gradually, each thrust of his hips was more aggressive, and you were moaning each time you felt his cock drag against your clothed sex. You began to lose track of what was going on as you felt your orgasm taking over. Unaware when you started lifting your hips to meet his, you heard him say, “Just like that… such a good girl… cum for me…”

With a loud gasp, you felt your body tense, then relax as you opened your eyes. Breathing heavily, you stared up at him and didn’t remember when he had stopped moving. He leaned close, kissing you sweetly before resting his forehead against yours, and asked, “Do you want to keep going?”

“What?” was all you could think to say. Now that you’d gotten off, you weren’t feeling as drunk and your head was starting to clear. You knew exactly how you’d gotten to where you were, but now you weren’t inhibited, you were fully aware and terrified.

He closed his eyes, and as he spoke you felt his cock throb against you, “If you want to stop, it’s fine. You just have to let me know.”

Pulling your hands out of his, you held his face and kissed him. You’d known this before, but now you needed to follow through; he needed reassurance. All those texts, what he had said, how he had acted, he was always so careful around you. You fully believed that if you said you’d had enough, he’d be satisfied with that, but you hadn’t had enough and you needed to tell him. This time, when you needed to tell him something, you weren’t scared. Lifting his face, you made sure you were making direct eye contact as you said, “I need more, Ji.”

“We don’t have-” he started, but you cut him off.

“I want to.”

He dropped his head to your shoulder as he tried to think, and he knew what he had to do. He thought getting off of you, that some distance would help, but it didn’t. The confused look on your face as you sat up and reached for him was the end of him. You took his hand and said something, but all he could think was that he’d do anything for you. As you stared up at him, smiling and holding his hand, he said, “If this is because you think you owe me, you don’t.”

“I know,” you said calmly, and you had an idea. Sliding a hand up his thigh until your palm was over his cock, you figured actions would speak louder than words.

When he didn’t stop you, you pressed on, unbuckling his belt and glancing up at him. His eyes were locked on your hands and his bottom lip was between his teeth. Focusing on getting his pants off, you fumbled for a second and his hands were on yours. Looking up again, it was like he was a different person as he said, “Lay down.”

You did as he said, as he pulled his shirt over his head. His pants were open, but he left them on as he ran his hands through his hair, trying to collect himself. Jiyong’s eyes met yours and you knew, even after all you had said, that he still couldn’t start this. His confidence was fake, but yours wasn’t.

On high alert for any sign that you were overstepping, you sat up slowly and pulled your shirt over your head. Dropping it on the floor as you looked up at him, his hands still in his hair, as you reached behind you to unhook your bra. He sighed as you pulled your arms through the straps and let your bra fall to the floor. You’d never been in this situation before, but you weren’t scared or worried, not with the way he was looking at you. You watched his face as he seemed to study your body for a few seconds before his eyes returned to yours, then back down again. He was standing too far away for you to reach him, holding out your hand, you hoped he’d come closer, and he did.

He took a few steps, stopping at the edge of his bed, and asked, “Are you sure?”

“Are you?” you asked him, not breaking eye contact.

Jiyong sighed, biting his lip before he sighed, “God, yes.”

That was all you needed, you didn’t bother with trying to be smooth or coordinated as you gripped his pants and started working them down his legs. He didn’t move for a minute, letting you do most of the work until his pants were past his knees, then he stepped out of them. Standing in front of you in just his boxer briefs, his hands still in his hair as he looked down at you, he tried to remember that he had to be careful.

Running your hands up the outside of his thighs until you were at his hips, you slid just your fingertips into the elastic of his boxer briefs. Looking up at him, you asked, “Are you going to make me do all of the work?”

“Fuck it,” he muttered, pushing your hands away as he climbed onto the bed.

Laying on your back as he held himself only a few inches above you and you didn’t lose your nerve. Gripping the back of his head as you felt him shift to get his boxers off, you lifted your head and kissed him. He sat up, digging through a drawer next to the bed and pulling out a condom. Tearing it with his teeth, your eyes dropped, followed soon by your jaw. It wasn’t like you had a lot to compare it too, but Jiyong was not disappointing.

Since you had sobered up some, your mind started to panic, but you knew that he wouldn’t hurt you, quite the opposite. Watching as he rolled the latex over his shaft, you realized that you were still half-clothed. Trying, and failing, to get your leggings and underwear off with him between your legs, he got off the bed. You tried to explain, but your words fell short when his hands were on your hips.

Feeling his hands on your skin made your brain short-circuit. You barely registered what he was doing until you were lifting your legs so he could pull your leggings off. He ran his hands along your legs as he got on the bed again, gently pushing your legs open so he could resume his position.

He placed his arm next to your head to balance on as he gently traced his fingertips along your jaw. The panic from a minute ago seemed like someone else’s as you felt his body against yours. So different from the last time you were with him like this, but still somewhat familiar, you didn’t think twice about placing your hands on his chest. Sliding them up to his neck as his free hand went in the opposite direction, you tried to focus on his face.

“Tell me if it’s too much,” he whispered, his eyes studying yours as he lined himself up.

Feeling him slowly push into you was exactly like last time. He was so careful, like he was scared he’d break you, but there was still the slight burn and stretch that you had missed. You were well aware that you could easily get this from someone else or even from a toy, but it wouldn’t be the same. Before he bottomed out, you could already feel the tension inside you build. Both of your hands cupping his face, you needed him to know what you wanted, and you didn’t have to search for the right word as you said, “Fuck me… Hard.”

His eyes were wide, unsure if you could actually mean that, when he remembered the last time. He didn’t doubt that that had been your first time, but you adapted quickly. Grabbing one of your legs and resting it on his shoulder as he leaned back, he rolled his hips for a moment as he asked, “What else do you want?”

When you opened your mouth to speak, he pulled back and slammed his cock into you. It didn’t matter what you were going to say, any coherent thought left you as he thrust into you again. With each time his hips connected with yours, you felt that tension build, and knew that if you were alone you would have cum by now.

“Well,” he asked as he picked up his pace, “Is there anything else or do you just like it hard?”

“Fuck…” you hissed, trying to remember the word for what you wanted, when he beat you to the punch.

You shrieked as his hand connected with your ass, and he groaned, “You like this?”

Nodding emphatically, you moaned, “Please… Ji… More…”

He dropped your leg and stood up as he said, “Get on your hands and knees.” Doing as he said as quickly as you could, he groaned again before he said, “Such a good girl.”

Jiyong gripped your hips, pulling you back toward the edge of the bed and he was back inside you. You dropped to your elbows and whined as he slowly rolled his hips. He thrust into you once, staying inside you and you felt his hand come down on your ass. All you could do this time was gasp. It burned where his hand had been, but you wanted more.

“You can’t like that this much,” he muttered, feeling your cunt contract around him.

Pushing yourself back up, you said in a ragged voice, “Please do it again.” You weren’t sure what it was, but you needed him to be rough with you.

His hands on your hips, he took a deep breath before his said, “Next time.”

Jiyong set a brutal pace. After only a few thrusts, you were back on your elbows, whining as you pushed your hips higher, trying to get as much as you could before you came. You couldn’t hear what he was saying as your orgasm flooded your senses.

He didn’t stop, trying to keep you as high as he could until he came. As embarrassed as he knew he’d be, twice he’d been with you, and both times he’d barely lasted 15 minutes, but the way you were reacting to him and the sounds you were making meant he wasn’t disappointing you. As he tried to drive his cock into you a few more times before he gave in, he was able to lift his hand and spank your ass one last time. You practically jumped off the bed, and he felt your cunt constrict sharply as he thrust into you one last time.

He held onto your hips for a minute before he pulled out to take off the condom, but he didn’t leave to throw it away. In that moment, he didn’t care about dropping it on the floor, all he wanted was to keep you from running. Once he came, his fears rushed back. His arms around you as he helped you sit up as he said, “Bathroom, then bed.”

The same feeling of being torn apart was taking over, but it was different this time. Looking up at him, you could see the fear in his eyes and you nodded. Even though all you wanted to do was run and hide so you could cry, you fought against it. Luckily he let you go to the bathroom by yourself, but was waiting outside the door after you washed your hands.

Still incredibly naked, he was waiting a few feet from the door when you came out. He smiled at you, but he seemed uneasy as he held out his arms. It took everything you had, but you walked toward him and the emptiness that was threatening to swallow you whole faded as he wrapped his arms around you. After a moment, you lifted your arms and held him, feeling better with each passing minute.

He leaned back, and kissed you before he asked, “Are you okay?”

“I’m tired,” you replied, and you weren’t lying. You could still feel that ache inside, but being near him, touching him made it tolerable.

Smiling down at you, Jiyong whispered, “Me too.”

* * *

Smiling to yourself as you laid next to Jiyong, the sun pouring through the window and you were happy. No matter what happened, you’d have these memories. Wrapping an arm around his chest, you heard him hum then felt his hand on yours. He didn’t move an inch as he said in a harsh whisper, “Morning.”

“Morning,” you said as quietly as you could. You rarely got hangovers, but you didn’t know about him.

He pulled away from you, and you panicked for a moment, then he was facing you. Jiyong grinned as his eyes opened. Running his fingers along your arm, he said, “You’re naked.”

You laughed, “So are you.”

“How are you feeling?” he asked, tearing his eyes away from your chest to guage your reaction.

You thought for a moment before you replied, “Good, you?”

“Really good,” he said before his grin grew wider.

You dropped your eyes and noticed that he was still uncovered. This was different from last night. It was morning and neither of you were drunk, and you couldn’t help but stare at him, one part in particular caught your attention. Wondering if he was ‘really good’ because you were there or because he was hard, you considered combining the two. Unsure if you should touch him or not, but deciding that there was only one way to find out, you reached out. Resting your hand against his chest, like last night, you slowly lowered it as you asked, “Got any plans for today?”

He shook his head as he rolled onto his back and pulled you close, “Nope, do you?”

“I have an idea,” you said as your hand went lower.

“Funny story,” he said, his voice hitching as you traced a finger along the underside of his cock, “I think I have the same idea.”


End file.
